Your best friend rings you as she is upset about an issue that happened at home. Or your colleague is really annoyed with the boss, who never seems to play fair in their mind, and she sounds really upset about this.

The list of opportunities we all must support and console others during difficult times is endless.  

Regardless of where we are, we all experience distress and have difficulty managing our intense emotions at times. Sometimes we see others who are upset, or angry about something that they feel deeply about, and we may not know how to comfort them. At other times, we may be working with a colleague who has experienced a deep loss, and we have no idea what to say.  

We are often afraid of saying anything in case we cause more harm.

‘Extending your hand in a time of need can change the course of someone's life’.

Will I make it worse if I say nothing?

No, you won’t. However, you will make it worse if you don’t check in with them in this difficult time as they may feel you don’t really care about them or what they are going through.  

I always say that no matter what, reach out to people you know who are struggling.

An Accidental Counsellor is a person who accidentally helps another person in distress, without necessarily having the professional skills to do so. And so many of us find ourselves in this role at times.

‘A helping hand can be a ray of sunshine in a cloudy world’

What are the skills of an Accidental Counsellor? What do you say to help somebody weave their way through a loss or distress?

Skills used by professionals who counsel and coach others

People in the helping business have a range of skills and techniques that guide others at difficult times.  

Some include:



• Make time for the person who is struggling. We’re all busy and in these difficult situations, being available for them can make the world of difference to the person

• Be present in the moment for the person who is struggling. A focus on the individual by positioning your body to face them, square on and lean forward (this makes the person feel that you are present and interested in what is happening for them)

• Listen actively (the hardest of all the human relating skills) by not talking if they are, watching their body language to get a good gauge on where they are at and repeating back to them what they have said to you

• Empathy – putting yourself in the other person’s shoes (but never assuming you know exactly how they feel)

• Silence – Knowing when to say something to help, and when to sit in silence with them and their distress. Let silence ‘do the heavy lifting’ 

• Over time help them find potential solutions – Over time, exploring solutions they can follow or help they can find will be really helpful

• Structure around the issue – often people in distress cannot think clearly. Counsellors (or those who are counselling accidentally) gently guide the person to acceptance of the issue, and help them make greater sense of it all if necessary

• A strength to lean on – In desperate times, accidental counsellors are there to lean on. To support others. 

How are your skills as an Accidental Counsellor?

Remember that if you know somebody who is struggling in life, don’t take on the heavy issues they may have if you are not skilled.  

Refer them to a Counsellor or Life Coach who can assist them through the difficulty.