I have read your “Revitalising Relationships” column and I am impressed that you are covering this subject, especially because topics such as domestic violence are so topical in the news right now. All couples fight from time to time – that’s normal, but I have a friend who I have suspected as being a victim of an abusive husband. He is stressed from his job, and they have some heavy financial worries (surprise surprise), but this is no excuse for taking it out on his wife. (I think he hits her, and I know that he is emotionally abusive.) It’s not her fault and his behaviour is no solution! I feel sorry for him too. She keeps forgiving him and tries to be understanding, but the cracks are showing.

We are living in a very different world than we did in the past, and there are many reasons why people (and couples) are under stress. The huge increases in the mortgage rates over the last year, the significantly high cost of living, working in a role or environment where a person is not happy, daily challenges of raising children, looking after ageing parents, feeling they are carrying the world on their shoulders …. the list of stressors seems endless.

Couples who relate well in times of stress are those relationships that fare well. They understand each other and the pressures they are both under, to offer comfort and leniency in times when most needed, they are supportive and loving of each other within the boundaries of kindness, care, respect and trust.

People living in stressful situations

However, people under stress behave differently to others who are not stressed - and often ‘unacceptable’ behaviours raise their ugly heads – name calling, belligerence, hostility, hitting their partners, being emotionally abusive, sulking, ignoring their partner and getting angry often with their partners are some examples of dysfunctional behaviours that occur.

Domestic Violence is defined as ‘violence committed by someone in the victim's domestic circle. In its broadest sense, it also involves violence against children, parents, or the elderly. It can assume multiple forms, including physical, verbal, emotional, economic, religious, reproductive, or sexual abuse’ (Source:  https://www.government.nl/topics/domestic-violence/what-is-domestic-violence)

How can she deal with this?

• Firstly, your friend needs to recognise the nature of the relationship in which she is living. Many people deny they live in a violent relationship and over time, it gets worse. Never better.
• She needs to acknowledge that what she experiences, is not ok. Ever.
• If she continues to accept this behaviour, it will continue. And frankly, it can cost her her life, and that of her children.

Domestic Violence and its impact on Children

• Children respond differently when living in domestic violence, depending on their age and stage of development. For example, babies living in domestic violence appear to lower levels of health and poorer sleeping patterns.
• Studies show that children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home
• Studies show that 3 million children witness violence in their home each year and those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally. Source:  https://www.aihw.gov.au/reports/children-youth/australias-children/contents

Getting help is her first port of call. 

Right now, she is suffering in silence, and if this continues, the impact on both she and her children will worsen.

 Strategies to help your friend

• Have an honest chat with her and ask her if she is experiencing domestic violence in her relationship
• Explain that you are talking about it to her because you are concerned for her safety (and children)
• Explain that by making plans to move away from her dangerous situation, she breaks the cycle of domestic violence in which she is currently living. Staying in this Cycle continues to reinforce it
• Explain that there is always help out there as – there are many resources available - the 1800 RESPECT line is a great start
• They will guide and advise her about where she could find a safe place for her and the children to live, even if temporarily
• She needs an Escape Plan – talking key items for she and her children. (1800 RESPECT)
• Show her research about the damage that domestic violence has on her children – she may downplay the impact her husband’s violence has on her (but there is no denying it has on her children)

Concluding this column, you are the most wonderful person for wanting to help your friend. I hope you found this information useful.

Caryn

SO...

The first thing to do if you suspect a friend is in DV is to gently approach them and talk to them

Tell them you are there to help them in any way you can

Explain that if the DV continues it will negatively impact them and their children

If you can, explain to the partner that you are here to help too – and perhaps help them get help

If DV exists, both partners and the children are in pain and at risk