Christmas lunch: the one meal of the year that doubles as both a family reunion and a hostage situation. It’s a delicate dance of dodging emotional landmines while trying not to spill gravy on your shirt. While we can’t guarantee you’ll escape unscathed, avoiding these five topics might just help you survive the day without triggering a full-blown festive fiasco.

Politics: The unwrapped grenade

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a heated debate about climate policy over roast turkey. Whether it’s Uncle Barry loudly declaring he’d vote for a Labrador before the current government or Cousin Jess explaining why she’s now an anarchist vegan, the topic of politics is a guaranteed crowd-divider. If it pops up, distract with an impromptu toast, just be sure not to include the words “freedom” or “sovereignty.”

The infamous “contribution” critique: Every family has that one member who brings a single sad salad or a box of crackers but eats like they’ve fasted for weeks. Let’s call him “Minimal Effort Murray.” Murray doesn’t just fail to bring enough food, he brings opinions. “Did we really need a third pavlova?” he asks, while loading his plate with prawns he didn’t peel. Avoid this topic unless you want to ignite a spirited debate about who forgot to bring the napkins in 2016.

Resurrecting ancient grievances: Nothing revives the Christmas spirit quite like Aunt Pam reminding everyone how she wasn’t invited to your cousin’s engagement party. Or your dad muttering about the lawnmower your brother borrowed in 2009 and returned “damaged.” This is the conversational equivalent of lighting a match near a petrol tank. Smile, sip your drink, and feign sudden interest in the cricket score if tempers start to flare.

Housing prices: The generational grenade The sheer mention of property will send Millennials and Boomers into battle faster than you can say “negative gearing.” It’s a tale as old as time: Millennials lament skyrocketing house prices, Boomers counter with stories of 18 per cent interest rates. If this war begins, retreat to the kitchen, offering to “check on the pudding.” Trust us, it’s safer there.

The Die Hard debate Let’s settle this once and for all: Die Hard is a Christmas movie. John McClane wore a Santa hat, there were Christmas decorations, and Ode to Joy was on the soundtrack. Case closed. Still, if your family insists on reopening this debate, let them. It’s a blessed distraction from topics one through four.

Remember, you inherit your family, but you choose how much wine to pour into your glass. Christmas lunch comes but once a year, so if all else fails, channel your inner Ellen Griswold: “It’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.”

Wishing you peace, quiet, and minimal damage this holiday season!