Dear Editor

My father died five months ago. He was the glue that kept the family together. 

I feel an incredible loss and it doesn’t feel like it’s easing either. Dad was my mentor in business and my confident – we had a very close relationship. 

Although my wife was initially supportive, she seems to have run out of compassion for me over this and is more or less demanding that I ‘get over it’, move on, and get back in the program so to speak. 

That attitude is alienating us from each other. I’m not sure what I can do?

Dear reader,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  Losing somebody who is so valuable to us is always a shock, even if their passing was imminent.

Grief and loss are part of the human experience and we all experience both in different ways.  This is a key understanding that well need to have – including both  you and your wife. 

The way you are dealing with this huge loss may be different to the way she would if she lost somebody close to her.  The point here is that neither way of dealing with our losses is right or wrong – it’s just our reality.

It’s clear that you were very close to your dad and thus the loss feels even more acute.

The person who walked with you through childhood, who was always there for you in times of happiness and distress, who helped in business, who was able to be a father and friend to you - suddenly is no longer there.  A huge loss for you.

As a basic concept, grief is the human response to the loss of something we value.  We care for.  We feel attached to.

However (and this is a key point) grief will not be rushed.  Your grief will begin to abate when it is ready to abate, and neither you nor your wife can hurry it.

According to Healthdirect:

‘Grief can occur after a serious illness, a divorce or other significant loss. 

It often involves intense sadness, and sometimes feelings of shock and numbness, or even denial and anger. 

For most people, the intensity of grief eases over time and the episodes of grief become less frequent.’

Therefore, there is no such thing in grief as ‘getting over it’ unfortunately.  Many people who experience loss and the pain it always brings, will do anything to remove the ache – finding solace in alcohol, drugs and other risky behaviour at times –to little or no avail.

None of these help in the short or long term – it merely delays our grief.

Because grief is such an individual experience, we all have to go through the process to come out the other side.  You are still in great pain about your loss and it remains very raw for you right now.

According to Talkspace:  

‘The length of time someone grieves will depend on you, your circumstances, and the type of significant loss you have experienced. 

On average, normal grief can last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years or more. 

Research shows that many people find their grief starts to improve within about 6 months after a loss.’

I remain of the opinion that grief is a process that will be over as the individual moves through the pain of the loss and the key factor is knowing where to turn to get help when you need to.

What may help

Explain to your wife that you are really struggling significantly with this loss and you would appreciate her support, not judgement

Have a look at the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and her 5 stages of grief.  I think you will find it very helpful if you are open to the research she has done in this area.  Around the world people continue to use her model to help others understand and move through their grief in a healthy, productive manner

Remember that grief is a process.  You will come out the other side in time, when you get there

Look after yourself well.  Pamper yourself in whatever way you feel works e.g. massage, meditation, prayer, walks on the beach or hanging out in nature

Journalling often helps.  Write down your feelings as you move through grief as often ‘getting it out’ helps you in the moment.  It also gives you the chance to read it later and see how you were feeling at the time of writing, and how far you have come.

Seek a professional who you can talk to and rely on to guide you through this process and to help you deal with the loss of your father.  Grief counsellors are trained professionals who are equipped to help you and there are some great ones in Kiama.