I’ve been in a long-term relationship for over 15 years and sometimes I feel bored and that we’ve drifted apart. I’m not sure if my wife feels the same or not… I’m a little afraid to ask. How can we turn it around?

This is a good question because any relationship which lasts that length of time may from time to time find itself in waters that have become ‘too comfortable’.

Whilst this can be a good thing (we know each other really well) it can move into the more ‘it’s boring’ category, which can be a natural progression of a relationship.

Look back at your early days together

• If you think back to the early days/months/years of your relationship, you’ll probably remember how much ‘fun’ it was. The two of you did great things together – camped, trailed, travelled, laughed…. Even partied.

• And all of this was important to build ‘credit’ in the relationship and it gives us a great peek into whether a relationship can move into the next phases – often called the honeymoon and then nesting phase.

• Then when mortgages, children and the stress that comes with both arrives (along with a myriad of other day-to-day stresses and challenges), many couples scramble to find careers (yes, being a homemaker is a career), meet regular commitments and provide for the family.

• All admirable, except while you used to make each other the top priority, now you may not be the first. Or second. Or even third priority. Aging parents, sick children, interest rate hikes… the list gets longer.

Putting your relationship first

• Talk to your partner and express how you feel, calmly and kindly
• Tell them you still love them, and you would just like to get back to making each other matter most.
• Discuss what you used to do when you first got together – what made things fun, what made you laugh and what you both enjoyed?
• Begin to realise the most important aspect you have between you is not the children, or the in-laws, or making money.
• It’s each other, because if you don’t take your relationship seriously and make it a top priority, you won’t have one.
• Start planning things to do together, without the children or your parents.
• Go back over old photographs (as an idea) and talk about the fun you had – then build those fun things back into your relationship.
• Examples might include a date night every two weeks, having a picnic on the beach in warmer months, visiting art galleries, and so forth.

The golden role is that BOTH of you are responsible for making your relationship fun and enjoyable, not just one partner. With this in mind, ask yourself this question – in everything I do with my partner, am I part of the problem or part of the solution?

Because if you are not taking responsibility for doing the things that make your relationship work, then you are part of the problem contributing to it not prospering.

If you have a question, please send it to Caryn at [email protected]