The short answer to this question is that ‘emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions well, so they help you, not hinder you, in your relationships.’ And it matters big time! 

Described by psychologist, author, and researcher Daniel Goleman as:

‘The ability to understand and manage our emotions well, so they work for us and not against us so we can have strong relationships around us across our lives.  

Picture these scenarios

You fight with your spouse, again, and you start despairing about whether the cause of the fight (whatever it may be) will be resolved.  You realise that you both tend to argue in the same way.  It starts calmly, and then tends to get more out of hand as you both try to solve the problem. Or you ignore your partner after the argument for a while. 

Sarcastic remarks may be made.  Nothing changes. 

When we don’t resolve our differences well (and it’s ok to disagree) the wedge between us may grow bigger.  If we keep attempting to resolve the issue but don’t, one party may feel there is no point and seek options elsewhere.

Team relationships at work operate on the same principle. 

If conflict surfaces and is allowed to thrive and grow, the workplace culture begins to go downhill and can become awkward, uncomfortable, and ‘not an enjoyable place to be.’ Often, we lose good human capital because of the bad vibes at work and as they leave, we scramble to replace them.

The role emotions play in our lives

Seldom do people stop and think about the importance of our emotions in our everyday lives and yet, emotions are equal determinants of human behaviours as cognitions (our ability to think) are. 

Emotions enable us to experience life, warts, and all.   They allow us to laugh and experience joy and feel happiness, set and achieve goals, and feel that we are doing well.  On the other side of the coin, we can also experience a sense of loss or mourning when somebody leaves or passes, and we miss them.  Emotions enable us to ‘feel’ life.

Benefits of Emotional Intelligence at home and at work

Emotional intelligence is not about being touchy-feeling or ignoring a problem when it arises, or minimising issues when they arise.

It’s about using our head (think calmly) when conflict arises so that we can work out a way forward. In doing so, we continue having good relationships around us.

Other benefits include greater decision-making clarity, better health, improved relationships across our lives, less anxiety and stress and more effective teamwork at home and at work.

Families and teams that follow rules about how they resolve issues together in collaborative ways will always be more productive than those that don’t.

Researcher Goleman explains that:

‘Often it is intellectual intelligence that gets you the job.

But it is emotional intelligence that helps you climb up the ladder and furthers your career.’

When Organisations understand the many benefits that emotional intelligence (EI) brings to their teams and how it enhances working relationships, they see the bottom-line soar, and everybody enjoys greater harmony across the Company.

For individuals, understanding how we ‘tick’ and getting to understand our triggers and drivers are an important part of our growth.

Emotional Sabotage – when our emotions get the better of us

Emotional sabotage occurs when we are unable to manage our emotions well in a situation (in other words, our head does not rule our heart) and we act rashly and say things in the heat of the moment that are unnecessary, hurtful and can be meant to hurt. 

Often this emotional outburst is way worse than the original crime the other person committed, but still the angry individual shows displeasure by using child-like behaviours that have no space in adult relationships.

Less than 15% of us are self-aware

In his ground-breaking research, Goleman explains that his studies indicate that only 15% of us are self-aware at any one time, leaving 85% of us not using our emotions well and unclear about how to manage them (and our relationships) well.

Initially I was perplexed by this research outcome and then I considered the state of the world today – countries invading others and killing men, women and children in their wake, the middle east continues to erupt, and tension exists between major world super-powers.  Fifteen percent seems high when you look at these world issues.

The 5 competencies of Emotional Intelligence

Making it easier for Organisations and individuals to work towards becoming more emotionally intelligent, Goleman and his researchers identified 5 competencies that comprise emotional intelligence.

5) Effective relationships

How good am I at getting along well with others and how good are my relationships?

4) Empathy

How do I show compassion for others around me? Do I always want to understand what is going on for the other person?

3) Self-Motivation

Learn to have a can-do positive approach to achieve goals and good relationships in life

2) Self-Regulation

Do we manage our emotions well, so we control them well when angry? 

1)Self Awareness

Who am I?  What do I like and where are my strengths and areas for improvements?

Each competence builds on the one before it, so you cannot have effective relationships if you have not mastered self-awareness, self-regulation, self-motivation and empathy.  

Where to next?

• Start understanding EI by reading up about it on the internet.  Daniel Goleman has a very easy to follow resource called ‘Emotional Intelligence’ and is worth reading. 
• Get a life coach who can help you grow in EI if you would like to
• Learn about how others see you in their relationship with you.  You are not perfect so take feedback in the positive spirit in which it is meant – positively!

Emotional Intelligence is key to having great relationships around you.  It’s a journey of ongoing improvement and it takes self-awareness, self-determination and courage to admit you can be better in your relationships because who else is in charge of your life and relationships, if we are not?

Perhaps it’s time for us to get into the driver’s seat of our relationships?

Reference:  Goleman, D, 1995; Working with Emotional Intelligence, Booktopia