Simply put, where people are, conflict is. 

That’s because we are all different in many things – values, background, ethnicity, religion, families and cultures into which we are born, as examples.

All these factors can work towards, or complicate, modern-day relationships.

The problem with conflict

If left too long or unchecked, conflict grows. It never resolves without a discussion about the problem, and it can grow into a mountain if ignored. 

In organisations, bad relationships and conflict between team members lead to inefficiencies, less productivity and often good human capital walks out the door.

Conflict can be resolved. The problem with it is that most of us don’t know how to resolve issues well, because probably we have never been taught how to do so. In relationships today, we need to focus firmly on the fact that we must get better at talking about things when they go wrong and admit when we are wrong. I’ve never yet met anybody who is perfect.

When we talk about our issues though, we can feel much lighter, and it can strengthen our relationships and improve communication between us.

Key skills to use in our personal relationships

There are key things that we need to focus on in our important relationships

1. Active listening – get good at this skill (recognised as the most important skill in human relationships)
2. Empathy (compassion) - Where are they coming from? Do I stand in their shoes?
3. Ask many open-ended questions. These are sentences that start with words like ‘describe, tell me more, explain, help me understand.’
4. Look for solutions to the issue – of which we both need to be a part 
5. Validate – whilst they may feel differently about things to you, still acknowledge their feelings and thank them for sharing them
6. Optimism/hope – use words to provide hope for a solution. Words like ‘how can we work together on this better? Or ‘I really want us to resolve this as we have a strong relationship, and I want to keep it like that.’
7. Seek solutions – how can we work this out, together?
8. Wrap up – summarise back to the person the outcomes of the discussion (to check your understanding) 
9. Plan to catch up in the future – keep the relationship going, if that is your intention

With active listening, do you listen to respond or understand?

Ways to manage and resolve conflict

The University of Washington provides six critical strategies for managing and resolving conflict:

1. Think it over

What is the real issue here? If we buy ourselves time and think the issue over, we may see where we could have handled things differently – and the other person. Being accountable and responsible for our part of the problem is critical because it means you recognise your mistakes too

1. Decide what you want to say and how you will deliver the message

Be accountable for your role in the conflict and acknowledge this to the other person. Never blame others because it is both childish and unhelpful

1. Writing out what you will say and do is a key strategy to move the problem from the emotional to the logical stance and if done well, your plan will keep you on track in the conversation
2. Actively listen – the ‘grand-daddy’ of all the skills. Ask questions if you don’t understand what is being said. You may not agree with everything the other person says but put yourself in their shoes to understand where they are coming from. You are not right all the time. Nobody is.
3. Emotional intelligence - Manage your emotions and stay calm at all times. Trying to resolve an issue when emotions are high is not advisable as we cannot make good decisions when we feel angry or hurt, so ensure you both give it a bit of time before you attempt to resolve the issue (or perhaps get an outside experienced professional to help you do so.)
4. Work towards understanding (empathy)

Acknowledge the other person’s situation and emotions before you defend your position (which should never be part of resolving conflict). Look for a solution to move towards for both of you, even if it means not being as close as you were or even ending the relationship

Source: https://sas.uaa.uw.edu/husky-experience/know-yourself/healthy-ways-to-handle-conflict/

Resolving our conflicts, whether at work or home, takes patience and a set of core skills. If you are willing to learn how to resolve conflict well in your relationships, you will move towards happier and more productive relationships across your life.

Questions? Comments?

Please put them to Caryn Walsh, our resident relationships expert, for her to answer for you.