Last weekend, I overheard a group of men discussing their frustrations with women, which led me to realise that many of these issues are commonly shared. While this isn't universally true for everyone, many people will relate to this 'no-no' list. Keep in mind that references to 'men' are generalisations and not meant to speak for all individuals.Hinting: Primarily men hate it when women hint. If you want something, you have to most of the time tell them directly. One of the men in the group said, “I wish she would tell me exactly what it is. I don’t work for the CIA - I need things to be spelt out”.In the same vein, they also hate mind games or guessing games, and cite that women tend to ask “guess what today is”, guess this, guess that…Nagging: Men I have consulted about being asked to do something, universally tell me that they heard you the first time! No amount of repetition will galvanise them into action. They’ll do it when they are ready. One of my male relatives is one who hates being told how to do something. He figures that if the end result is the same then he doesn't want to know how you would have done it, he just wants to do it his way. Fair enough.Waiting is another pet hate for men. We all know that it takes a little more time for women to get ready and men start becoming impatient. The big question here though is how to cure…? Shopping rates very highly on the difficulty scale for men. Most men hate making a choice or giving and opinion about what you should wear. If you take them to a store and ask them to make a choice between two or more dresses, they will most likely just go blank and stare at you as if you have asked them for a holiday in Transylvania. You may get further if you model the clothes for them. On this subject I overheard one of the men say to his friend, “If I had a choice it would be garter belt, stockings and four-inch heels, but we would never get out of the house!” Men generally prefer Bunnings, electronics shops or camera stores. Tears: When a woman is upset tears are a natural reaction for her. When her man doesn't comfort her, she may think he doesn't care. But that is not necessarily true - tears do make men feel sad, it's just that they are usually not experienced at talking about it, at showing or expressing their feelings. When women cry men mostly feel helpless and don't know how to comfort a woman unless she tells him how.Oversharing: Quite a few women discuss their personal life with others – mostly their friends. For centuries they’ve done it. Men dislike this trait because they feel it invades their privacy. They expect that if they tell you a secret, they expect you to keep it, and not make it into a public discussion amongst your friends. If you can’t help yourself and need to divest yourself of the burden of the secret, you may not receive any more secrets…Being disturbed whilst relaxing: Men hate being disturbed when they are watching football or cricket matches on TV. But most women get irritated when they see their men spending hours in front of the TV while they slog with the household work and then disturb them anyway.“Being confronted with conversation the minute we walk in the door or the minute we wake up” seems to be another common area of angst! Note that there is a distinction between ‘conversation’ and informing the man of something he has to do! That’s venturing into nagging territory. Worse still if the ‘conversation’ contains criticism. Sadly, I heard the man tell his friend, “Before entering my house, I often sit in my car for a few minutes to decompress. Although I love my family's excitement to talk to me, I need this quiet time to transition from work to engaging in conversation. Without it, I might come off as annoyed, which isn't how I feel; I just need a moment to adjust."This notion may well translate to the workplace, so don’t accost your boss the moment he walks through the office door and bombard him with questions or general verbosity! So ladies, try giving your man a few minutes to decompress when he comes home before starting a conversation. You might see a positive change in his mood and ability to engage. Also, avoid greeting him with tasks or criticism - nobody appreciates that.Clinginess: Men are often turned off by overly needy or clingy behaviour, as it can feel suffocating and shows your insecurity. Putting someone on a pedestal makes you seem less attractive. Instead show your confidence, avoid seeking constant validation, and don't compete with other women. Know your worth and remember that if your man loses interest, it's not a reflection of your value. Focus on your own happiness and peace of mind, not on seeking their approval. Controlling behaviour: Men generally dislike being controlled or bossed around by their partner, especially in public, as it can feel emasculating. This kind of behaviour can damage the relationship, as it undermines mutual respect and trust. While it might feel empowering in the moment, this approach often leads to resentment and can eventually cause the relationship to end. Don't dwell on his exes or constantly talk about your own. Focus on the present and what you share now. Bringing up past relationships can make him feel guilty or uncomfortable, as if he's being compared. Seeking validation by comparing yourself to his exes comes across as needy and insecure. Similarly, frequently mentioning your exes can either make him jealous and doubt your feelings or, if he sees through it, turn him off due to the perceived immaturity and attempt to boost your ego. Remember, exes are in the past for a reason - leave them there.Chasing: Even if you're confident (or impatient), men generally prefer to do the pursuing - it’s often seen as a natural instinct. You can subtly encourage them and flirt a little but let them feel like they're taking the lead. This maintains the excitement and prevents them from unconsciously perceiving themselves as more valuable. If you're only interested in a casual encounter, this may not matter as much, but for a deeper relationship, it's important to let them take the initiative.Confidence vs conceit: Men are generally put off by women who are immature, entitled, and conceited. While confidence is an attractive trait, it becomes even more appealing when paired with humility and emotional maturity. It's important to handle your own emotions responsibly and not to treat your partner like a servant who has to earn basic respect and courtesy. Men appreciate a partner who is down-to-earth, respectful, and considerate. Ultimately, just being a decent person makes a significant difference in building a healthy and balanced relationship.Remember that men are often visually oriented and have a strong libido, making physical attraction an important part of a relationship. While you don't need to aim for perfection all the time, putting in some effort to maintain your appearance can have a positive impact. Paying attention to your health and making improvements if needed not only enhances physical attraction but also boosts your self-confidence. Taking care of yourself benefits both you and the relationship.Remember, many of these concerns apply to both genders. The key is to empathise with your partner's perspective and approach them with consideration and respect. Fostering a respectful and understanding relationship will lead to a stronger, more fulfilling connection.

A narcissist is someone with an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. They crave attention constantly and will do whatever it takes to get it, including provoking arguments. Here’s how you can effectively shut down a narcissist during an argument.Identifying narcissistic behaviour: Narcissists thrive on attention, whether positive or negative. They often make up absurd statements, talk rapidly, change subjects quickly to throw you off-balance, and exhibit dramatic emotions.When dealing with a narcissist, it's essential to respond calmly and assertively. Here are some strategies to shut down a narcissist:Slow Them Down: Here’s how to take the wind out of their sails:"You are not making sense.""Prove what you are saying.""You keep changing the subject; which one would you like to discuss first?""I’m not engaging with this.""Let’s sort out one thing at a time."Deflect blame: Narcissists never take responsibility and often blame others. Here’s how to handle their blame game:"That’s not how I remember the situation.""I’ll wait until you’ve calmed down, then we can talk about this.""I’m not responsible for how you live your life.""I’m sorry you feel like that, perhaps we need some time apart?""I’m not going to argue with you anymore."Respond to criticism: Narcissists use criticism to hurt you so don’t give them the emotional reaction they want. Keep your responses unemotional and factual:"I won’t allow you to speak to me like that.""Unless you treat me with respect, I cannot continue this conversation.""If I’m so bad, it’s better if I leave.""I can’t control your opinion of me.""Can we please be respectful of each other?"Confront lies: Narcissists lie to confuse and control. Pay attention to their exact words and call them out:"That is physically impossible.""I know that I/you did not say/do that.""Prove it.""What you are saying doesn’t make sense.""I have no reason to do the things you are accusing me of."Dealing with narcissistic rage: Narcissists may resort to the silent treatment or the narcissistic stare to intimidate you. If an argument is escalating, sometimes agreeing with them can defuse the situation:"I understand your point of view.""I completely agree with you.""That’s an interesting perspective; let me think about it.""I hadn’t thought of it that way before.""Thank you for bringing that to my attention."While the best solution is often to remove a narcissist from your life, this isn't always feasible. By preparing a few key phrases, you can effectively de-escalate arguments and regain control in challenging interactions.

Confidence! The one thing so many of us want, and yet it can elude us. But does it really? Are there ways we can grow in confidence and feel more satisfied across our lives?Feeling confident is having the belief or trust that a person or thing is reliable. Having self-confidence means you trust in yourself to achieve the things you want to, now and in the future. Self-confidence is not the same as self-esteem, which is an evaluation of one's worth.We are not born confident. Nobody is. We develop confidence as we move through life and find ourselves successfully handling new situations and environments. Confidence is an outcome - a willingness to try.What the statistics say about the differences in confidence between genders at work:New research suggests that men are far more comfortable with self-promotion than women are. According to Christine L. Exley, of Harvard Business School, “the gender gap in self-promotion is not driven by a gender gap in confidence.”The research found that women consistently rated their performance lower than men — even though men and women had the same average score on the test. In a nutshell, at work men tend to show more confidence than women do. Which has additional negative impacts on women reaching executive leadership roles in the workplace and growing to their full career potential.Confidence Myths: According to Forbes magazine, there are three major misconceptions about confidence.Misconception 1: Either you are confident, or you aren’t.Confidence, like many things, comes and goes, rises and falls. Which means it’s not something steady. In short, it is a habit and skill we can cultivate if we try. Even those people who we believe ooze confidence experience fears and self-doubt, just like we all do. But they don’t dwell on these negative thoughts. They acknowledge them and move on, never giving them additional airtime.  Misconception 2: Confidence only happens when you are successful. Confidence does not result in our success – it’s the outcome of taking action in the first place to achieve what we want - that’s success. The more we do it, the more confident we become over time. Failing can lead to improved confidence if you see it as a learning process. In other words, you learn from your failures and don’t repeat them.Misconception 3: Only experience gives you confidence.Doing something repeatedly can help our confidence grow, but in today’s fast-moving world, we don’t always get that opportunity. Look at your strengths and what you do well. Even if you fail at times, like we all do, you can learn from these situations and put them into your toolbox of learning. Integrate all these new experiences into your life and build on them. You may not get them right each time, but at least doing something to try to succeed is better than doing nothing.  Do we get more confident as we age? Research shows that the older we get, the more self-assured and content we become. In fact, those in their sixties are more likely to be happier and more self-confident overall than most of those in their younger years.Researchers Zenger and Folkman collected valuable data from more than 4,000 women and 3,000 men since 2016 and found that only 30 percent of women 25 years or younger felt confident. About 50 percent of men said the same.By age 40, women and men rate themselves equally as confident. By age 60, women surpass men in confidence on average.Ways to grow your confidenceConfidence is a skill that you can develop over time. It’s not part of your personality.Watch out for social comparison because it’s a definite way to erode your confidence. The more you stare and compare, the lower your confidence falls.Focus on your strengths. Yes, we all have them - in bucket loads. Although people with low confidence may not agree or see theirs.  Take the strengths you possess with you when you face new challenges (or old ones). In truth, we all have solved many problems in our lives, and mostly successfully, so why don’t you believe you can now?Get a life coach to help you grow in areas you feel you need to.Give life a go. You may be surprised at how successful you are.Think more about your confidence and ways to improve it.

We’ve all encountered that tricky situation when a friend or family member asks our opinion about something, like “Does this look good on me? or What do you think of my new dress/jacket/shoes/hairstyle….?” Sometimes it places us in a dilemma - should we give honest feedback here or simply smile and give a thumbs up? In my family, growing up with four siblings (mostly girls) we told the bare truth - often! After I moved out of home and into shared accommodation, I noticed that other people were quite different. They were a lot more polite with each other and didn’t always reveal what they really thought.All habits die hard, and I recall many years ago expressing an opinion to an ex - that he had ‘pedestrian’ fashion sense. It wasn't an attempt to be cruel; it was simply the truth, and someone had to break it to him. I found his blind faith in labels and his obliviousness to style to be frustrating. He had no apparent pride in his wardrobe, only wore four colours, no stripes or patterns and had zero flair. His reaction? Let's just say it was less than enthusiastic. I will admit though, that from my perspective it was actually highly amusing. His response - at the time, and whenever I think back on it - causes me to choke back laughter. He kept repeating “pedestrian?” … “pedestrian!”  The word seemed to baffle him, as though I'd conjured up a term from a foreign language.  Was that honesty or insensitivity on my part? I feel no guilt, but the jury is still out.Consider: Would I have done him a favour by keeping forever quiet about his lack of style? I didn't think so. You could argue that some useful feedback is worthwhile and gives one an opportunity to see the reality and make improvements! My intention was pure; I aimed for neutral delivery but must have missed the mark.Does it matter? In the grand scheme of things, this might be the better question. I now wonder, “How honest and frank should we be with people - our family, our friends? When they try a new hairstyle that doesn't suit them, do we smile and say, “Lovely,” or do we tell them the truth?”Don't we have a responsibility to give our honest opinion to those we care about? If delivered kindly, I believe we do.Would I want the same honesty coming back at me? Well, that depends on the subject and who's giving the feedback! If I valued the person's knowledge and expertise and felt they were qualified to comment, then yes, I'd want to know what they think, hoping they’d be kind in their delivery. If they are merely opinionated and not qualified to give me some (re)direction, then they should probably keep their thoughts to themselves. So let’s just say that it is ‘situational specific’, and the safest approach, unless someone directly asks for your opinion, is to keep it to yourself - unless you’re very close, and even then, it’s tricky.So, should you be honest? Sure, but with a pinch of tact and a dash of empathy. After all, there’s a fine line between being truthful and being insensitive.I am betting that many of you will now go to evaluate your wardrobe to see if it could be described as pedestrian!

Dating is hard enough without navigating the online version of meeting a man - or woman, as the case may be. Since I'm female, I can speak from personal experience and observation, as well as insights from friends. I've also listened to comments from my male friends to provide a balanced view on how to approach this medium.I've been single since late 2017, tried most of the dating apps, gone on countless dates, and taken numerous breaks. So far the field has been left wanting. After a while, I try again. Why? Because finding a suitable partner is remarkably difficult, at any age. Despite attending a variety of social gatherings, concerts, comedies, etc. and talking to all sorts of people, having great friends, I still have not yet met anyone that I'd like to bring closer.Frankly, the whole idea of dating apps feels like being in a catalogue. But it's a case of "damned if you do, damned if you don't."A few months ago, a friend in the Illawarra encouraged me to try again, having met her match years ago on eHarmony. Another friend in Sydney met her man on Bumble. Both are exemplary couples!So, once again, I ventured out of my hiatus. Given my job, it's not difficult to imagine that I value words and images to convey a message. I furnished my profile with sufficient information to convey truth and attract interest. I populated it with a range of photos, including close-ups, action shots, and a full-length photo, aiming for transparency: "what you see is what you get."Recently, I met a man on a dating app - let's call him Dave - who showed interest. His banter was interesting and fun. However, he hadn’t put up a photo, which is usually a deal-breaker for me. Are these men clueless? The jury is still out, but I suspect so. Studies have shown that men are very visual, yet despite making minimal effort on their own appearance, they still seem to expect to find someone highly attractive to become their partner. Back to Dave - he claimed he didn't have any photos of himself. After some prompting, he finally sent me a low-res mugshot on his gym membership card. The honest truth: there was nothing whatsoever to recommend him - it was a blurry thumbnail shot. I felt little motivation to get to know him better. Is that harsh? Let’s be honest. Usually, these things start with some physical attraction. I suspect that many men click on multiple profiles just to see what comes back. Women generally do not operate in this way. However, it may account for the volume of ‘likes’ on my profile, but motivation to respond to the majority received is missing. Most women I have discussed this with, feel the same way. We are looking for quality and for someone to make an effort.To be successful on dating apps, effort is required in presenting yourself. Here’s my advice: regardless of your age, your profile images are critical. They are your 'marketing' photos and need to be accompanied by a great description to attract interest from your target audience.How do so many men miss this truism? The extraordinarily funny thing is the abundance of photos of men holding up fish! It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic. So, note well: "No fish photos." Afterall how many women do you know who truly like fishing?Here are more worthwhile tips:Don’t have your children in the photos. Don’t imitate Putin with a bare chest unless you look like Chris Hemsworth, and even then, it looks like you're trying too hard.No profile shot in the bathroom mirror. (you wouldn’t believe how many men do this).The same advice applies to women: no bikini shots unless you’re a swimsuit model, no obvious cleavage shots unless that’s the type of man you want to attract, and no heavy makeup - natural is key.Avoid the three-day growth unless it’s well-groomed like Hemsworth. Sorry - my obsession is showing! But honestly, George Clooney or Brad Pitt are more in my age-range, but I’m not expecting either to pop up soon. [I’m simply aiming for a well-groomed man who is fit and has something to say – that seems fair!]So to get the best photos my advice is to ask a talented friend (or a professional photographer) to take relaxed, smiling photos in various settings - close, far, action shots, with animals, in nature - but be honest. Don’t sit on a motorbike just to look cool. Now for the words: before filling in the boxes online, think hard about what you want to say about yourself and what you want. Capture the essence of what’s important to you, especially in a partner. Write a draft, remove any negativity - some people actually complain about past relationships in their profiles! That’s a huge 'no no.' Be positive about life and give insight into how you live it. Honesty is crucial. Wait a day, review again, show a friend, discuss, make edits, leave it another day, and review again.I'm sure it’s the same for men looking at women's profiles. People prefer honesty and authenticity. It’s unattractive to be negative, angry, rude, or unkind. I have read profiles that tick all four. If dating apps are how you’re meeting people, I wish you well and hope that these insights help.If there is a male out there that would like to share their online experience, please reach out!

The short answer to this question is that ‘emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions well, so they help you, not hinder you, in your relationships.’ And it matters big time! Described by psychologist, author, and researcher Daniel Goleman as:‘The ability to understand and manage our emotions well, so they work for us and not against us so we can have strong relationships around us across our lives.  Picture these scenariosYou fight with your spouse, again, and you start despairing about whether the cause of the fight (whatever it may be) will be resolved.  You realise that you both tend to argue in the same way.  It starts calmly, and then tends to get more out of hand as you both try to solve the problem. Or you ignore your partner after the argument for a while.  Sarcastic remarks may be made.  Nothing changes. When we don’t resolve our differences well (and it’s ok to disagree) the wedge between us may grow bigger.  If we keep attempting to resolve the issue but don’t, one party may feel there is no point and seek options elsewhere.Team relationships at work operate on the same principle. If conflict surfaces and is allowed to thrive and grow, the workplace culture begins to go downhill and can become awkward, uncomfortable, and ‘not an enjoyable place to be.’ Often, we lose good human capital because of the bad vibes at work and as they leave, we scramble to replace them.The role emotions play in our livesSeldom do people stop and think about the importance of our emotions in our everyday lives and yet, emotions are equal determinants of human behaviours as cognitions (our ability to think) are. Emotions enable us to experience life, warts, and all.   They allow us to laugh and experience joy and feel happiness, set and achieve goals, and feel that we are doing well.  On the other side of the coin, we can also experience a sense of loss or mourning when somebody leaves or passes, and we miss them.  Emotions enable us to ‘feel’ life.Benefits of Emotional Intelligence at home and at workEmotional intelligence is not about being touchy-feeling or ignoring a problem when it arises, or minimising issues when they arise.It’s about using our head (think calmly) when conflict arises so that we can work out a way forward. In doing so, we continue having good relationships around us.Other benefits include greater decision-making clarity, better health, improved relationships across our lives, less anxiety and stress and more effective teamwork at home and at work.Families and teams that follow rules about how they resolve issues together in collaborative ways will always be more productive than those that don’t.Researcher Goleman explains that:‘Often it is intellectual intelligence that gets you the job.But it is emotional intelligence that helps you climb up the ladder and furthers your career.’When Organisations understand the many benefits that emotional intelligence (EI) brings to their teams and how it enhances working relationships, they see the bottom-line soar, and everybody enjoys greater harmony across the Company.For individuals, understanding how we ‘tick’ and getting to understand our triggers and drivers are an important part of our growth.Emotional Sabotage – when our emotions get the better of usEmotional sabotage occurs when we are unable to manage our emotions well in a situation (in other words, our head does not rule our heart) and we act rashly and say things in the heat of the moment that are unnecessary, hurtful and can be meant to hurt. Often this emotional outburst is way worse than the original crime the other person committed, but still the angry individual shows displeasure by using child-like behaviours that have no space in adult relationships.Less than 15% of us are self-awareIn his ground-breaking research, Goleman explains that his studies indicate that only 15% of us are self-aware at any one time, leaving 85% of us not using our emotions well and unclear about how to manage them (and our relationships) well.Initially I was perplexed by this research outcome and then I considered the state of the world today – countries invading others and killing men, women and children in their wake, the middle east continues to erupt, and tension exists between major world super-powers.  Fifteen percent seems high when you look at these world issues.The 5 competencies of Emotional IntelligenceMaking it easier for Organisations and individuals to work towards becoming more emotionally intelligent, Goleman and his researchers identified 5 competencies that comprise emotional intelligence.5) Effective relationshipsHow good am I at getting along well with others and how good are my relationships?4) EmpathyHow do I show compassion for others around me? Do I always want to understand what is going on for the other person?3) Self-MotivationLearn to have a can-do positive approach to achieve goals and good relationships in life2) Self-RegulationDo we manage our emotions well, so we control them well when angry? 1)Self AwarenessWho am I?  What do I like and where are my strengths and areas for improvements?Each competence builds on the one before it, so you cannot have effective relationships if you have not mastered self-awareness, self-regulation, self-motivation and empathy.  Where to next?Start understanding EI by reading up about it on the internet.  Daniel Goleman has a very easy to follow resource called ‘Emotional Intelligence’ and is worth reading. Get a life coach who can help you grow in EI if you would like toLearn about how others see you in their relationship with you.  You are not perfect so take feedback in the positive spirit in which it is meant – positively!Emotional Intelligence is key to having great relationships around you.  It’s a journey of ongoing improvement and it takes self-awareness, self-determination and courage to admit you can be better in your relationships because who else is in charge of your life and relationships, if we are not?Perhaps it’s time for us to get into the driver’s seat of our relationships?Reference:  Goleman, D, 1995; Working with Emotional Intelligence, Booktopia

My Relationships – How good am I in them really?So much of our waking life centres around relationships – with ourselves and others in individual or group settings. At work, in the community, in sporting or hobby groups and at home.  Life is all about relationships - and yet, how often do we think about how well we do them?Many of us struggle in our relationships, often blaming the other person or seeing fault in their behaviour, and yet don’t look at our own.  If we’re not part of the solution, then are we part of the problem?It’s hard to acknowledge that sometimes what we do in our relationships does not help the outcome. So many of us are stuck in our ways and because admitting we are part of the problem is difficult, so we don’t.If we talk about the issues and difficulties we have with each other, then we can grow to a new level which is a happy space to be. Conflict? Yes. It’s part of human endeavour, but it is not all bad. We can learn so much from our differences, remembering that we don’t always have to be right.To win is often to lose.  If we must win all the time, and not listen to the opinions of others who may have good points to make, then people don’t want to be in a relationship with us. They avoid us over time, or the relationship falls apart – and then who wins, and who loses?What are the types of relationships we have and how can we be better in them?Family relationships: Those into which we are born or have some kind of kinship, whether be through blood, marriage, a de facto situation or fostering/adoption. This is ‘our clan’ - the people or group on whom we rely most and who teach us all about our culture, religion, beliefs and values.It is through our clan that we move forward into the big wide world, and hopefully have productive and happy relationships, families and lives.Families today come in many different forms - single-parent families, stepfamilies, homes with same gender parents and children raised by grand-parents, as examples. Friends: People not born into the same family but on whom you place great value and respect.  They are people we ‘do life with’ - we go to school or college with them or work with or connect with later in life. We build solid bonds with friends to have fun, explore the world and enjoy experiences together.  Mostly, friends are those with whom we feel most connected, and they grow over time so they remain stable parts of our lives moving forward.  They stay with us for the good and bad times. Many of us cannot imagine our lives without friends, as they are important bonds through which we travel across our lives, and with whom we celebrate special occasions such as weddings and birthdays. Some people are closer to their friends than families, but if you have the gift of good connections with both, your world expands richly over time.Acquaintances: These are people we know and who come into our lives but are not as close or as deep as the others. These can be relationships at work with colleagues or in sporting groups with whom we are connected for a reason, such as sport or a hobby. We still need to connect well with these people, particularly if we work with them everyday as we spend most of our waking moments with them – and to have good acquaintances is so important for your overall health and that of the team and the organisation. Romantic relationships: These relationships are with people with whom we share love, trust and often, children. There are various aspects of closeness in these relationships, including emotional and sexual intimacy. Often opposites attract and, in the beginning, these are often easy relationships but if differences are not discussed and resolved, over time this ‘love’ can struggle and not make it for the long haul. Good and regular communication is critical.How well do you go?Think about the different types of relationships you have in your life and how well you go (or not) in them.Are you a good communicator and do you talk about issues when necessary to ‘clear the air’ and address the issue or do you tend to ignore issues when they arise and hope they will go away over time? This seldom happens and things often get worse.Think about one skill you can improve in your relationships – such as active listening, showing empathy or asking more questions to understand the world of the other person more.Relationships are key to human happiness and take work and if you get good at them, your whole experience of our world is richer and happier.

Mother’s Day is a time for celebrating a person in our lives whom most of us adore – our mum. Like other meaningful holidays in the year, Mother’s Day is one where families get together and spend valuable time catching up with loved ones - with a special focus on our mothers: It’s a day of appreciation for the many things that our mothers do for us, and the support and love that they have given us over the years.It’s about honouring the mother of the family, and the influence she has in her family, on the community and society overall. And whilst time comes and goes, the celebration of our mothers continues to be at the cornerstone of what is now called “Mother’s Day.”  My mum is almost 90 and I dread the day when she goes, because she has been an amazingly supportive and caring mother. My rock. No matter what was going on in my life, she was one I could always count on. And still do. Many of my friends that I grew up with did not have the same gift of a supportive mother, and I am sure some of the readers of this article may have a similar experience. My best childhood friend had a combative relationship with her mother, so my mum became hers.  And she still is. Should we celebrate all mothers on this day? I would like to say a single ‘yes’ to this question. But it’s not that easy. Many families go through trauma, with some members not talking to each other for long periods of time. What a waste this is. It would be comforting to think that when we argue with our mother, we do what we can to overcome it together. Alas, this is not always possible and with this situation present, the relationships between you and your mum sours – and often other family members get drawn into this drama – and the family disintegrates further.For Mother’s Day this year, if you do celebrate your mum and cannot be with her, Facebook or WhatsApp her. Pick up the phone. Spend precious time catching up on the latest news and celebrating achievements. Remember that the quality of spending time together with our mum is what counts, not the gifts that we each may bring to the celebration. If possible, value your mum for: Her guidance and wisdomHer care and love for you all the timeThe wonderful gifts and love she brings to the familyProviding for us, no matter what age we areAlways being there for you and your childrenThe unique and special person that she is. Don’t just celebrate Mother’s Day on this one day. Work on your relationship with your mum (if you can) by being there for her in her later years, valuing your relationship and the things you do together, the laughter you enjoy and how you spend your time with each other. Nothing In this life is predictable and we all know it. Spend each moment you can honouring your mum. And valuing you as a mother, too. Happy Mother’s Day!

Also called Pascha (Aramaic, Greek, Latin) or Resurrection Sunday, Easter refers to a Christian festival and cultural holiday commemorating the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, described in the New Testament as having occurred on the third day of his burial following his crucifixion by the Romans at Calvary c. 30 AD. It is the culmination of the Passion of Jesus Christ, preceded by Lent which is a 40-day period of fasting, prayer, and penance. Thus to Christians Easter is a holy time of the year which gives them the opportunity to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and more. Reflection – how is my life going? As Easter and Lent occur over a 40-day period, it also gives us the chance to look at how we are living and what we can do to further improve what we are doing– and to think about what works well in our life and what doesn’t.  A bit of reflective practice goes a long way. Easter also marks the coming together of families to spend time with each other and engage in activities that make wonderful memories– a rare commodity in our modern fast paced lives. Yet coming together as families does not necessarily mean that the time will be peaceful as some families don’t collaborate well with each other – some are at war with each other, whilst others engage with some family members and ignore others. I like to see this time of year as precious to those who believe in the reason behind the celebration, regardless of colour, race and creed. Let’s practice kindness with  each other.  Show respect to others, regardless of our differences.  The world needs peace.  Let’s start here.  In our own lives and our own attitudes.  Change must come from within and slowly moves across our lives if done well.

Australian startup Spoony has announced its founding team and set a launch date for the rollout of its new online dating app. The app will be available from a date set in Q4 of 2024. Spoony aims to revolutionise the dating landscape for neurodivergent, chronically ill and disabled individuals. Founders Kenneth Liang, Blake Crichton, and Nicholas Carlton built Spoony in response to Nicholas’s experiences as a chronically ill person. Today’s dating apps are a frustrating experience for most people but for those that face existing challenges from their chronic illness, disability or neurodivergence the frustration can feel more intense and distressing and many of these users are already socially isolated. The founders have ambitious plans to become the leading dating and friendship app for the billions of people globally who are neurodivergent, living with a chronic illness and/or a disability. The app is designed to fix the problems of mainstream online dating services. Spoony has a strong focus on inclusion, safety and understanding where individuality is celebrated and connections are deeply valued. With plans to launch in Melbourne first, it’s only a matter of time Spoony reaches wider populations. Spoony is poised to make a meaningful impact on the lives of millions worldwide, soon to reach the rest of Australia. 

Valentine's Day can bring feelings of love and celebration for some, but for others, the love in the air serves as a reminder of their loneliness. Recent research from Relationships Australia NSW (RANSW) has highlighted the need for increased support, especially as loneliness continues to escalate among younger individuals, coupled with a growing trend of Australians saying ‘I don't’ to traditional marriage.Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of RANSW, emphasises that the Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) survey signals a rapid evolution in Australia's relationship landscape, warranting government funding for support services. Ms. Shaw acknowledges the survey as a crucial step in understanding the daily struggles faced by a growing number of Australians. She notes “This survey is a welcome step in shining a spotlight on the issues a growing number of Australians are dealing with daily, but sadly it comes as no surprise.”The shifting dynamics of relationships, particularly evident in the dating scene where 'situationships' often eclipse the focus on building lasting connections, contribute to a decline in commitment and monogamy among the younger generation. The survey reveals a decreasing preference for marriage, and statistics show that those in de facto relationships have a higher likelihood of separation. However, Ms. Shaw expresses “couples with children under 5 years of age and single parents are all more likely to experience stress and loneliness, so there needs to be a greater focus on support for families on both parenting and relationships.”RANSW's latest Social Impact report underscores the impact of seeking assistance in navigating relationship challenges, leading to significant improvements in satisfaction and well-being.Ms. Shaw urges the Australian government to respond to this pressing need by increasing funding and support for core relationship services, particularly counselling, which has proven to be essential in making a substantial difference for those seeking help. As the challenges of loneliness and shifting relationship dynamics persist, the call to enhance support becomes more urgent than ever, fostering strong and resilient connections among individuals and families.

It’s Valentine’s Day again – that special time of year when we show our partners and people whom we love how much we value and appreciate them.Many businesses make their biggest profit at this time of year – roses, restaurants, overnight stays, diamonds, drinks – the works. More cynical members of society believe Valentines Day is merely a money-making racket that opportunists use to feather their own nest, as they say.Personally, I love Valentines Day because it reminds me of where our true efforts in relating well lie and reminds us to reflect upon areas where we can improve.However, the question that is always top of mind is this: How can I create a magical Valentine’s Day everyday with my special person? How can I show them love, appreciation and understanding in the most supportive and caring way?Modern day life is extremely fast paced and stressful, with little time left in the day to focus on what really matters.People are running around trying to get things done and in the process, don’t give time and thought to precious things that really count.What are the key things happy couples do each day to keep their love alive?Be nice to each other – speak to each other with respect, saying thank you and please if your partner does something for you or are asking a favour.Appreciate them – let them know how grateful you are for their cooking, looking after the children, making money for the family or organising a family holiday, it’s so easy to tell them how talented they are and how much you appreciate them as a person.Be supportive – stand next to your partner as their greatest ally, no matter what. Become and remain their ‘safe haven’ where they know that no matter what, you will always be there.Resolve conflict calmly – talk issues through one at a time. If emotions are heightened or things feel as if they are out of control, introduce a ‘circuit breaker’ – that is time out to go away and cool down so that you come back within 24 hours to try and resolve the situation calmly and peacefully.You are committed to this relationship so stay committed – realise that there is no ‘exit plan’ and that no matter what, we both need to work out a way to love and love together.Make special times for your relationship - nights away with each other, walks on the beach without the children, weekends away and so forth. Remember the fun times you had together before the children arrived? Recreate these as a regular way of putting good times back into your relationship.Learn to communicate well – many of us think we connect with each other well and talk issues through, but the reality is not the case. Most couples who come to see me all struggle with communication and connection, with the biggest skill missing being active listening. Where you take all other thoughts out of your mind and focus on what you partner is trying to tell you. Do you listen to understand or respond?Laugh and have fun – don’t forget the magic you created when you first met. Recreate it in your daily lives.Happy marriages take time, effort and dedication and don’t come easily. In this relationship we are two different people, with our background, religion, life experiences and attitudes that come together in a partnership (for life) - and yet have little idea how to do relationships properly.Start with the tips above.If you continue to struggle, find a relationship coach to help you both learn how to communicate well and have a rewarding and enjoyable relationship.As famous Prophet Kahlil Gibran said:Let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love. Let it be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.Further information or if you want a discussion> Email Caryn on [email protected]

With Valentine’s Day here, it’s time to take stock of our romantic inclinations, and according to eharmony’s latest data, Aussies are rewriting the script when it comes to celebrating love.Contrary to our international counterparts, it seems we Aussies aren’t entirely swept up in the Valentine’s frenzy. The numbers speak for themselves: only a mere 19% of Aussie singles are planning to mark the occasion, a far cry from the 29% of singles in the US who are gearing up for a love-filled day.But hold your heart-shaped balloons, because it’s not just singles who are feeling lukewarm about February 14th. Even amongst loved-up Aussie couples, the enthusiasm seems to wane. While 42% of Australian couples are making plans, the US takes the cake with a whopping 72% eagerly awaiting their romantic rendezvous.So why the lack of fervor? Well, it seems our wallets might be breathing a sigh of relief. A staggering 55% of surveyed individuals aren’t planning to spend a single cent this Valentine’s Day, a figure that rises to 67% among Aussie singles. Could it be a case of learning from past mistakes? After all, nearly a third of people in relationships have splurged more on Valentine’s Day than on a typical date, with the US leading the charge.But fear not, budget-conscious lovers! You don’t need to empty your pockets to show you care. According to our survey respondents, the top Valentine’s Day gift is simply sharing a meal at a restaurant. It’s a win-win for both parties, and considering that 40% of single men have never received a Valentine’s Day gift, it’s high time to spread the love.Yet, amidst the debate on Valentine’s Day’s relevance in the digital age, one question lingers: is Cupid still firing arrows in 2024?Generation Z seems to think so, with a resounding 67% of those in relationships keen on celebrating the day. Millennials, on the other hand, are a bit more skeptical, with 32% of singles opting out and a quarter citing it as exclusive to couples. For 62% of Millennial couples, every day is Valentine’s Day, making February 14th just another date on the calendar.So, whether you’re planning a grand gesture or embracing the anti-Valentine’s sentiment, one thing’s for sure: love in the land down under is anything but predictable this February 14th.

Renowned American entrepreneur and motivational speaker, Jim Rohn once said:‘If you want things to change, you must change. If you want things to be better, you must be better.’What he’s talking about is the importance of taking responsibility for your own life and making changes to achieve personal growth and success. He believed that change is a natural part of life, and it is up to each individual to embrace change and use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. I see many relationships in my rooms that are struggling with continuous arguing, not productive strategies to resolve conflict well, being stuck in the past, people not willing to solve issues …. The list goes on.I have asked myself why these issues appear so many times, and I keep coming back to one basic fact:  often when relationship difficulties arise, people blame the partner or other person.  And Rohn believes it is up to us to change, not wait for the other person.If only she…….I often hear ‘we would get along well if she…..’  or ‘If he improved on that, we would get along famously.’Notice what is happening here – the individual will be happy if the other person changes or does something different.  And as we have no control over the behaviour of others, there is no certainty they will change, because they may think you are the problem.So, what is the best way to have a strong, happy relationship – if it’s a partner, a family member, a friend, a colleague or even the neighbour?Firstly, each person needs to look at the behaviours, beliefs and attitudes they bring to the relationship, acknowledging that some could be problematic.This takes courage, because it’s easier to blame others when things in the relationship go wrong because admit it – we don’t want to feel part of the problem.If you recognise what you do to contribute to the problem, work out how to get better at it so the influence is a good one, not one that contributes to the problem.Most importantly, for things to change, first I must change.  Focus on you, not the other person. Blaming others is a waste of time and will get you nowhere.Am I part of the problem, or part of the solution?We all bring our past into our relationships because our history (in part) determines who we are.  If we are constantly arguing or the issues between you don’t seem to be resolved, then you may need expert help to move you through the ‘stuck’ zones and give you greater insight into how you can improve those areas where you both struggle.It takes two to make a relationship work.  Two of you who want the relationship to work and will do whatever it takes to get there.  It’s not easy, but it’s possible.What’s your choice?Need more information or assistance?  Contact Caryn on 0414 375 526

The old year is done and the new one has begun – are you in the driver seat of your future?As a new world unfolds, it’s the perfect time to reflect on the year past and gain clarity about what you want to get out of the year ahead.For some, 2023 has not been kind, with increasing interest rates that feel out of control, tension at home or work, and a relationship that may be struggling.  Can 2024 be better than this one?  For others, it’s been a cracker year where life just seems to have gone ‘right.’Why?  Is it luck?  Is it in the charts?How much of what happens to us is in our control?Life doesn’t always work the way we want it to, which often results in disillusionment or despair.  We get frustrated when things don’t go our way and believe that much of life is fate or luck.  However, research below shows us that we have much more in our control than we think we do.Less than 10% of life is predictable or controllableStephen Covey, author of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, explains that for each of us, only 10% of events that occur in our lives cannot be controlled or predicted.So, what about the other 90%?Covey explains that life happens – the PC blew up, the car broke down and the plumbing has gone crazy.  We can’t predict these events or control them, but the rest IS under our control.He explains that whilst 10% of life just happens, the other 90% is about how we deal and respond (or react to) the 10%.When life ‘happens’ how do you deal with it?  Do you react (get angry and defensive, for example) or do you go with the flow and try and find a silver lining in what happened?  A lesson to be learned, perhaps?How much thought have you given to going out and getting what you want?  Less than 8 percent of us achieve our goalsStaggering.  Why?According to research conducted by the University of Scranton, less than 8% of us achieve our goals for various reasons, leaving 92% of us not clear about what we want to achieve and how.So, how can you be in that successful group?According to Kuel Life, ‘the 8 percenters achieve their goals because of what they do, not who they are.’ What makes the 8 percenters successful?Keep it simpleMake the goals this year simple.  Don’t use the new year as this huge bucket of things to achieve.  One thing at a time.  Simple. Success.Measure it  Make what you want to achieve tangible and be specific about what it is. Simply saying ‘I want to lose weight’ will set you up for failure.  Writing out a healthy eating and exercise plan and when and how you will do this is easier to follow and more practicalMake it obviousA can-do list on the fridge will keep you accountable – and others will see what you are doing and encourage you to keep at itKeep believing you can do itBack yourself.  If you fall off the horse, dust yourself down and get back up on it.  Keep going.  Of course you can do it. Faith.  Belief.  ResilienceWork out what you value and whyIf you value what you want to achieve and are motivated to get to where you want to go, success is inevitableAs American politician Jeff Boss notes for Forbes, ‘having a clear, compelling goal mobilises your focus toward actionable behaviour. Once you’ve set down your goals, it will be much easier to devise a practical, realistic plan to reach them, as well as create a timeline that accounts for your unique individual circumstances.’Goals drive you towards a purpose and a successful new year.Goal setting is the development of an action plan designed to motivate and guide you to achieve the things you want.  A goal is purposeful, intentional and the person attempting to achieve it is motivated and committed.So do you set goals, or just talk about them, with not too much purposeful action behind them.  SMART goals are key to achieving those things we want as they give you purpose and a clear reason to get out of bed every day to do what motivates you … purpose.Achieving what we want in life is often so near, yet so far.  And whilst we may know what we think we want, unless we have a plan to go out there and get it, it doesn’t happen. As we move into another year, let’s think about what we want to do with it and how we want it to be better for us.And on your goal list for this new year – kindness.The world is not doing that well right now.  Let’s make every small difference we can. Make a goal of yours to be kind to others.  Help others when they stumble but become an ally and cheerleader of each other.We certainly need it.Have a cracker 2024!

Dear EditorMy father died five months ago. He was the glue that kept the family together. I feel an incredible loss and it doesn’t feel like it’s easing either. Dad was my mentor in business and my confident – we had a very close relationship. Although my wife was initially supportive, she seems to have run out of compassion for me over this and is more or less demanding that I ‘get over it’, move on, and get back in the program so to speak. That attitude is alienating us from each other. I’m not sure what I can do?Dear reader,I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  Losing somebody who is so valuable to us is always a shock, even if their passing was imminent.Grief and loss are part of the human experience and we all experience both in different ways.  This is a key understanding that well need to have – including both  you and your wife. The way you are dealing with this huge loss may be different to the way she would if she lost somebody close to her.  The point here is that neither way of dealing with our losses is right or wrong – it’s just our reality.It’s clear that you were very close to your dad and thus the loss feels even more acute.The person who walked with you through childhood, who was always there for you in times of happiness and distress, who helped in business, who was able to be a father and friend to you - suddenly is no longer there.  A huge loss for you.As a basic concept, grief is the human response to the loss of something we value.  We care for.  We feel attached to.However (and this is a key point) grief will not be rushed.  Your grief will begin to abate when it is ready to abate, and neither you nor your wife can hurry it.According to Healthdirect: ‘Grief can occur after a serious illness, a divorce or other significant loss. It often involves intense sadness, and sometimes feelings of shock and numbness, or even denial and anger. For most people, the intensity of grief eases over time and the episodes of grief become less frequent.’Therefore, there is no such thing in grief as ‘getting over it’ unfortunately.  Many people who experience loss and the pain it always brings, will do anything to remove the ache – finding solace in alcohol, drugs and other risky behaviour at times –to little or no avail.None of these help in the short or long term – it merely delays our grief.Because grief is such an individual experience, we all have to go through the process to come out the other side.  You are still in great pain about your loss and it remains very raw for you right now.According to Talkspace:  ‘The length of time someone grieves will depend on you, your circumstances, and the type of significant loss you have experienced. On average, normal grief can last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years or more. Research shows that many people find their grief starts to improve within about 6 months after a loss.’I remain of the opinion that grief is a process that will be over as the individual moves through the pain of the loss and the key factor is knowing where to turn to get help when you need to.What may helpExplain to your wife that you are really struggling significantly with this loss and you would appreciate her support, not judgementHave a look at the work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and her 5 stages of grief.  I think you will find it very helpful if you are open to the research she has done in this area.  Around the world people continue to use her model to help others understand and move through their grief in a healthy, productive mannerRemember that grief is a process.  You will come out the other side in time, when you get thereLook after yourself well.  Pamper yourself in whatever way you feel works e.g. massage, meditation, prayer, walks on the beach or hanging out in natureJournalling often helps.  Write down your feelings as you move through grief as often ‘getting it out’ helps you in the moment.  It also gives you the chance to read it later and see how you were feeling at the time of writing, and how far you have come.Seek a professional who you can talk to and rely on to guide you through this process and to help you deal with the loss of your father.  Grief counsellors are trained professionals who are equipped to help you and there are some great ones in Kiama.

Revitalising Relationships column  Dear EditorMy parents died recently and my sister and I are the only one’s left.  My sister has been looking after my mum for the last 3 years and has done the ‘lion’s share’ of her care.There is a substantial inheritance that we have been left by our parents and they have left us half each.  In the last 6 weeks, my sister has said that she should get much more than half as she has spent much more time caring for our mother which has stalled her career in the short term.She is aggressive, demanding and adamant she gets 65% of the inheritance.I am flabbergasted and angry.  What can I do?Dear readerIf I could tell you how many times I have been faced with this situation over the years, you would be surprised.  Hundreds of times, if not more.Before we unravel this situation, it’s important to think rationally when working towards a solution.These situations are always about money.  Money that we think we deserve, or need, or want and it is sad that your situation has turned into this.You don’t say how well you get along with your sister, but the fact that your relationship has become about money must be upsetting for you.Millions of dollars are thrown at lawyers to resolve inheritance issues and the truth is that it’s only the lawyers who win.  Often one party ‘loses’ the fight and then another enemy of harmony arrives; resentment.  However, let’s look at some of the facts.According to Harrison Estate Law, there are 5 common inheritance disputes, which include:Inheritance disputes between siblings cut out of the willInheritance disputes over the surviving spouse claims after divorceSweetheart wills create inheritance disputes between step-relationsFamily conflict over inheritance of valuables and propertyDisputes over last minute changes to estate plansUndoubtedly your situation is in category 4 and it may be worth your while to read https://www.harrisonestatelaw.com/5-common-inheritance-disputes/ to obtain more information about this.Ways to move forwardAlways remain rational and fair. If you were left 50% of everything, do you believe because of her caring role over your mum over the last 3 years your sister deserves a little more?  It is a fair point that perhaps she has stalled her career in the short term and many may argue that this would be fair - but would it work for you?Share with your sister that the issue you have is not about money, but perhaps more about HOW she is trying to resolve it.  Getting aggressive is not going to help either of you here, so approach her to sit calmly and try and resolve the issue togetherSeek professional mediation.  Skilled mediators can move you both to a win-win situation, giving you both a better understanding of strategies to use to assist you to resolve this issueIf you value your relationship with your sister, tell her that you feel upset that the issue has become about money and that you would like to continue having a good relationship with her in the futureIn your own mind you need to think about one key thing:  Is your relationship with your sister more important than money?  If so, compromise somewhere along the way to hopefully keep the relationship intact.

Dear Editor, I hate my in-laws, but particularly my mother-in-law. She’s awful. She is patronising and critical about everything I do – cooking, cleaning, raising my children. Even how I dress is not good enough for her! If she doesn’t butt out of my life soon, I am seriously taking my children and leaving.  HELP!Dear reader,Ah!  The in-law debacle.  One of those situations you hope will never arise, but for some of us, it can become our worst nightmare!Marriage is about the merging of two people and two families and in-laws are always part of the deal. One in four women claim to ‘despise’ their mother-in-law, so when families blend, often friction walks in the door.  There’s a belief by many that ‘the more positive vibes you send out to the universe, the same amount of positive vibes you get back.’ Much like if you are polite, respectful and kind to people, your life could be quite free of spats, conflict and arguments. That doesn’t mean they don’t happen – they will.Behaviour begets behaviour. If you feel your in-laws are unkind and hurtful to you, doing that back to them is pointless. And anyway, you don’t want to have to stoop as low as that, do you?Being a watcher of all things human over decades, I believe there are various reasons for unhelpful negative behaviour from your in-laws:They generally don’t believe that you are ‘good enough’ for their child. Who is, right?They are insecure and worried that you may ‘take their child’ away from them (to another state, country?) and so their fear appears as criticism and judgment.They have nothing to do with their lives but poke their noses elsewhere. Busy people don’t have the time to develop armies of criticism and rudeness. Often, we are too busy living our own best life and trying to thrive each day – and don’t have  time for unnecessary criticism.They were raised in a similar way – being critical and judgemental of others is ‘what we do in my family.’ What worked in their family, however, does not have to work in yours.Some strategies you can try to work towards a good outcome:Respect that your in-laws have an attachment to your spouseGive it time to settle.  Let things calm down a bitDon’t expect to change your in-lawsWatch your behaviour too.  Are you adding fuel to the fire?Call a meeting with your in-law (or laws).  Explain that you would like to have a positive relationship with them moving forward, and you would like to work out, together, and how do they think that can be achieved?Look for common ground Don’t get heated or angry. Stay calm. Stay in controlLet your spouse know where you are at with this issue – don’t block them outWork together to try and resolve the issueAgree to disagree and encourage them to speak freelyLimit interactions if it gets heated or nastyClarify expectations about your children regarding discipline and spoiling them, for examplePrepare for the discussion. Work out beforehand on paper what you want to say to them. Have a beginning, middle and end, on a sheet of paper, and outline what you want to say in each. Start with a positive beginning, highlight the issues you would like to discuss (no more than two!) and use the assertive technique to position your messageKeep your vocal tone calm. Don’t get angry. Never shrillCreate circuit breakers to take ‘time out’ from the discussion. When it is getting heated, stop the conversation and have a break. Say something like ‘It feels like we could both do with a coffee so I’ll go and make some.’ That’s a circuit breakerThe Assertive Technique (I statement)Use the technique below that is used around the worldThe event: When you ….The response …I feel…..The outcome….. So please could you/we……In the future…. What I would like is …..

Your best friend rings you as she is upset about an issue that happened at home. Or your colleague is really annoyed with the boss, who never seems to play fair in their mind, and she sounds really upset about this.The list of opportunities we all must support and console others during difficult times is endless.  Regardless of where we are, we all experience distress and have difficulty managing our intense emotions at times. Sometimes we see others who are upset, or angry about something that they feel deeply about, and we may not know how to comfort them. At other times, we may be working with a colleague who has experienced a deep loss, and we have no idea what to say.  We are often afraid of saying anything in case we cause more harm.‘Extending your hand in a time of need can change the course of someone's life’.Will I make it worse if I say nothing?No, you won’t. However, you will make it worse if you don’t check in with them in this difficult time as they may feel you don’t really care about them or what they are going through.  I always say that no matter what, reach out to people you know who are struggling.An Accidental Counsellor is a person who accidentally helps another person in distress, without necessarily having the professional skills to do so. And so many of us find ourselves in this role at times.‘A helping hand can be a ray of sunshine in a cloudy world’What are the skills of an Accidental Counsellor? What do you say to help somebody weave their way through a loss or distress?Skills used by professionals who counsel and coach othersPeople in the helping business have a range of skills and techniques that guide others at difficult times.  Some include:Make time for the person who is struggling. We’re all busy and in these difficult situations, being available for them can make the world of difference to the personBe present in the moment for the person who is struggling. A focus on the individual by positioning your body to face them, square on and lean forward (this makes the person feel that you are present and interested in what is happening for them)Listen actively (the hardest of all the human relating skills) by not talking if they are, watching their body language to get a good gauge on where they are at and repeating back to them what they have said to youEmpathy – putting yourself in the other person’s shoes (but never assuming you know exactly how they feel)Silence – Knowing when to say something to help, and when to sit in silence with them and their distress. Let silence ‘do the heavy lifting’ Over time help them find potential solutions – Over time, exploring solutions they can follow or help they can find will be really helpfulStructure around the issue – often people in distress cannot think clearly. Counsellors (or those who are counselling accidentally) gently guide the person to acceptance of the issue, and help them make greater sense of it all if necessaryA strength to lean on – In desperate times, accidental counsellors are there to lean on. To support others. How are your skills as an Accidental Counsellor?Remember that if you know somebody who is struggling in life, don’t take on the heavy issues they may have if you are not skilled.  Refer them to a Counsellor or Life Coach who can assist them through the difficulty.