As Christmas and New Year’s roll around, many of us start thinking about resolutions. We promise to exercise more, spend less time on our phones, or finally tackle that overflowing junk drawer. But what if this year, we focused on something deeper? Something harder? What if we resolved to embrace forgiveness?The TV series Shrinking offers a perfect lens for this. It’s a story of grief, messy relationships, and the uphill battle to forgive—not just others, but ourselves. As Jason Segel’s character Jimmy stumbles through life after the loss of his wife, he shows us how forgiveness is rarely neat or easy. It’s awkward, painful, and deeply human.Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting. It’s not about pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It’s about freeing ourselves from the weight of anger, guilt, and regret. It’s about giving ourselves and others the chance to heal and move forward.But how do we start?The festive season is often painted as a time of joy, but for many, it’s complicated. Old grievances resurface around the dinner table. Family tensions bubble up. We’re surrounded by people we love, but sometimes it’s the people we love most who’ve hurt us—or who we’ve hurt.Maybe this year, instead of focusing on perfect decorations or the ideal menu, we could focus on what really matters: connection. Forgiveness doesn’t have to happen all at once. It might just be a moment of listening, a small gesture of kindness, or an honest conversation that says, “I’m willing to try.”So here’s the real question: what would it take for you to forgive this year?Is it an apology you’ve been waiting for? Or is it the courage to accept that one may never come? Is it learning to see someone’s flaws alongside their humanity? Or is it the hardest task of all—learning to see your own?As we enter 2025, let’s think about the kind of weight we want to carry. Anger, regret, and resentment can feel like armour, but they’re also chains. Forgiveness is messy and imperfect, but it’s also liberating.This Christmas and New Year’s, let’s resolve to take one step—just one—towards forgiveness. For ourselves, for the people we love, and for those we find hardest to love. It won’t be easy, but maybe that’s why it matters so much.What do you think it would take for you to forgive? Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting—it means giving yourself permission to move forward.

Ah, the holidays. A time for overindulging in pudding, pretending to love fruitcake, and, for some, endless scrolling on Facebook. While others are enjoying beach trips or post-lunch naps, you’re doom-scrolling through Karen’s blurry Christmas tree photos and Uncle Barry’s conspiracy rants. But what if your Facebook feed wasn’t a digital soap opera? What if it actually brought you joy?Imagine this festive fantasy. Every post is pure delight. Gone are the blurry snaps of turkey carcasses and burnt pavlovas. Instead, your feed is filled with golden retrievers in Santa hats, perfect sunsets, and someone’s grandma dancing to All I Want for Christmas Is You. No filters needed, just pure serotonin.No “some people” posts. Those vague, passive-aggressive updates like “Some people really don’t understand the meaning of family 🙄”? They’d be replaced by helpful tips like “Here’s how to survive Christmas lunch without murdering a relative.” Finally, advice we can all use.Got an event invite? Instead of the usual “Going” or “Maybe”, Facebook would offer honest RSVP options like: “Would rather poke my own eye out, but thanks.” or “Only attending for the free food.” No follow-ups, no guilt.Resolution-free New Year’s Eve posts would become the new norm. Your friends would finally stop announcing their resolutions like they’re about to run for parliament. Instead of “This is the year I get fit and learn French!” your feed would be full of gems like: “My only goal for 2025 is to not embarrass myself by March.” or “Skipping the gym but saying bonjour to cheese.”Ads would actually make sense. Forget creepy ones for lawnmowers just because you Googled “how to mow faster” once. Instead, Facebook would deliver the goods: “20% off noise-cancelling headphones for family BBQ survival.” or “A guide to saying no to Boxing Day cricket without starting World War III.”No humblebrags allowed. Posts like “OMG, I’m so humbled to have been named Employee of the Year AGAIN 💪” would be intercepted by Facebook’s new “Get Over Yourself” algorithm. Rewrites would be required: “Look at me! Shower me with praise!”Food crimes would be banned. Nobody could post a picture of their Christmas lunch unless it was Michelin-star worthy. Spaghetti bolognese on paper plates? Deleted. Grandma’s lopsided pudding? Adorable, but no, thank you.Group chats would finally get an upgrade. Family threads would come with a “translate” button for cryptic messages from Aunt Betty and a “mute” option for Dad’s endless GIFs of penguins in Santa hats.Travel photos would be smugness-free. Gone would be the endless “And we’re off!” airport lounge pictures. Your feed would now feature tasteful snaps of clear blue skies, captions like “Wish you were here!”, and zero shots of someone’s legs by the pool.If Facebook could deliver this kind of scroll, the holidays might actually feel festive. Instead, we’re stuck with the annual marathon of bragging, oversharing, and arguments in the comments section.But hey, at least there’s always the mute button, and a second helping of pudding.

The holiday season often conjures images of sparkling lights, wrapped presents, and joyful gatherings. Yet beneath the festive exterior, Christmas can also amplify the complexities of our relationships—bringing both warmth and challenges into sharper focus.For couples, it’s a time to balance traditions, families, and expectations. Whose family gets Christmas lunch this year? How much should be spent on gifts? These seemingly small decisions can reveal deeper dynamics, offering an opportunity to grow closer through communication and compromise. Remember, it’s not about the perfection of the plan, but the connection you nurture.For families, Christmas can highlight absences—of loved ones passed, estranged relationships, or children who’ve grown up and flown the nest. These moments of bittersweet reflection remind us to cherish those who are present and reach out to those we may have drifted from. Sometimes, a simple message of “Merry Christmas” can begin to rebuild a bridge.For singles, the festive season can be a mix of freedom and societal pressure. While others are pairing up under the mistletoe, Christmas can be a wonderful time to focus on self-love and meaningful connections with friends. Attend that party, take a solo trip, or volunteer—spread love in ways that resonate with you.Ultimately, Christmas is about giving—not just material gifts, but the gift of time, forgiveness, and care. Whether it’s sharing a laugh, mending a rift, or simply being present, these are the moments that truly make the season bright.

Christmas craziness season is upon us. Tempted to stray? Many find themselves at a crossroads, facing the allure of an affair with it be physical or emotional. But before you act, there are some critical things to consider.First, ask yourself why. Affairs often stem from unmet needs or disconnection in a relationship, but the thrill of secrecy might mask deeper issues that, left unaddressed, could resurface. Reflect on whether the affair truly holds what you’re seeking, or if it’s an escape from facing unresolved matters in your current partnership.Consider the potential fallout. Affairs can bring temporary excitement, but they also carry risks – emotional, physical, and relational. Relationships founded on trust can be challenging to rebuild once that trust is broken. If you share a life together, the impact can ripple into areas like family, friendships, work and even finances.Reflect: is there a way to rediscover that excitement within your existing relationship? Honest communication with your partner can often lead to a renewed connection or, if necessary, an open discussion about what each of you needs. Sometimes, couples counseling or individual therapy can help explore these areas without causing harm.Ultimately, an affair may not be the answer you’re looking for. Reflect deeply, and ask yourself if you’re willing to make a choice with potential lasting consequences. Often, the harder road of communication and self-discovery leads to far more rewarding destinations.

Simply put, where people are, conflict is. That’s because we are all different in many things – values, background, ethnicity, religion, families and cultures into which we are born, as examples.All these factors can work towards, or complicate, modern-day relationships.The problem with conflictIf left too long or unchecked, conflict grows. It never resolves without a discussion about the problem, and it can grow into a mountain if ignored. In organisations, bad relationships and conflict between team members lead to inefficiencies, less productivity and often good human capital walks out the door.Conflict can be resolved. The problem with it is that most of us don’t know how to resolve issues well, because probably we have never been taught how to do so. In relationships today, we need to focus firmly on the fact that we must get better at talking about things when they go wrong and admit when we are wrong. I’ve never yet met anybody who is perfect.When we talk about our issues though, we can feel much lighter, and it can strengthen our relationships and improve communication between us.Key skills to use in our personal relationshipsThere are key things that we need to focus on in our important relationshipsActive listening – get good at this skill (recognised as the most important skill in human relationships)Empathy (compassion) - Where are they coming from? Do I stand in their shoes?Ask many open-ended questions. These are sentences that start with words like ‘describe, tell me more, explain, help me understand.’Look for solutions to the issue – of which we both need to be a part Validate – whilst they may feel differently about things to you, still acknowledge their feelings and thank them for sharing themOptimism/hope – use words to provide hope for a solution. Words like ‘how can we work together on this better? Or ‘I really want us to resolve this as we have a strong relationship, and I want to keep it like that.’Seek solutions – how can we work this out, together?Wrap up – summarise back to the person the outcomes of the discussion (to check your understanding) Plan to catch up in the future – keep the relationship going, if that is your intentionWith active listening, do you listen to respond or understand?Ways to manage and resolve conflictThe University of Washington provides six critical strategies for managing and resolving conflict:Think it overWhat is the real issue here? If we buy ourselves time and think the issue over, we may see where we could have handled things differently – and the other person. Being accountable and responsible for our part of the problem is critical because it means you recognise your mistakes tooDecide what you want to say and how you will deliver the messageBe accountable for your role in the conflict and acknowledge this to the other person. Never blame others because it is both childish and unhelpfulWriting out what you will say and do is a key strategy to move the problem from the emotional to the logical stance and if done well, your plan will keep you on track in the conversationActively listen – the ‘grand-daddy’ of all the skills. Ask questions if you don’t understand what is being said. You may not agree with everything the other person says but put yourself in their shoes to understand where they are coming from. You are not right all the time. Nobody is.Emotional intelligence - Manage your emotions and stay calm at all times. Trying to resolve an issue when emotions are high is not advisable as we cannot make good decisions when we feel angry or hurt, so ensure you both give it a bit of time before you attempt to resolve the issue (or perhaps get an outside experienced professional to help you do so.)Work towards understanding (empathy)Acknowledge the other person’s situation and emotions before you defend your position (which should never be part of resolving conflict). Look for a solution to move towards for both of you, even if it means not being as close as you were or even ending the relationshipSource: https://sas.uaa.uw.edu/husky-experience/know-yourself/healthy-ways-to-handle-conflict/Resolving our conflicts, whether at work or home, takes patience and a set of core skills. If you are willing to learn how to resolve conflict well in your relationships, you will move towards happier and more productive relationships across your life.Questions? Comments?Please put them to Caryn Walsh, our resident relationships expert, for her to answer for you.

By Heather and John McAlpineJust as you maintain your car to keep it running smoothly, you need to take opportunities to give your relationship a boost. We have benefited from learning skills and insights to help our long-term relationship last the distance, and not just survive but actually thrive.Emotional and relationship intelligence helps us get through the tough terrain and sticky patches in our life journey. But we’ve had to learn it. We weren’t born with it, and with all due respect to our parents, we didn’t gain it from our upbringing either.Kiama will host two date nights enabling couples to keep romance alive while juggling the chaos of life. We’re fortunate to have Gil and Brenda Stuart speaking locally as they’re international presenters, who are highly acclaimed marriage educators, coaches and therapists, having appeared on countless national TV and radio programs in America. As relationship educators ourselves, we know that this couple is brilliant.The coffee and dessert date nights will be fun-filled evenings as Gil and Brenda are renowned for their humour, insights and vitality.Credit: Heather and John McAlpine.On Wednesday, 18 September, their focus is on how to keep romance alive while juggling the chaos of life, looking at being intentional in our marriage to create the space for friendship and fun. If you think you’re too tired, too busy or too burdened to attend a mid-week talk… then, this one is definitely for you!On Thursday, 19 September, Gil and Brenda tackle ‘Understanding the joy, challenges, stress and wins that come with a blended family.’ The Stuarts will provide practical and personal insights about the myths of blended families and suggest growth points around dealing with both sets of children’s issues, no matter their age or living at home or not. Whether you’re in, or come from a blended family, fostering, or want a clearer understanding of how to navigate your multi-family gatherings, there is something in this for everyone. You’ll gain deeper perspectives and wisdom into the complexity of families, and how they impact our marriage. Use this opportunity as a couple to have a date night that can be relationship enhancing in ongoing and life-changing ways. What better gift can you give to each other than strengthening your legacy of love.You can register for these events at: kiamabaptist.church/events.

Last weekend, I overheard a group of men discussing their frustrations with women, which led me to realise that many of these issues are commonly shared. While this isn't universally true for everyone, many people will relate to this 'no-no' list. Keep in mind that references to 'men' are generalisations and not meant to speak for all individuals.Hinting: Primarily men hate it when women hint. If you want something, you have to most of the time tell them directly. One of the men in the group said, “I wish she would tell me exactly what it is. I don’t work for the CIA - I need things to be spelt out”.In the same vein, they also hate mind games or guessing games, and cite that women tend to ask “guess what today is”, guess this, guess that…Nagging: Men I have consulted about being asked to do something, universally tell me that they heard you the first time! No amount of repetition will galvanise them into action. They’ll do it when they are ready. One of my male relatives is one who hates being told how to do something. He figures that if the end result is the same then he doesn't want to know how you would have done it, he just wants to do it his way. Fair enough.Waiting is another pet hate for men. We all know that it takes a little more time for women to get ready and men start becoming impatient. The big question here though is how to cure…? Shopping rates very highly on the difficulty scale for men. Most men hate making a choice or giving and opinion about what you should wear. If you take them to a store and ask them to make a choice between two or more dresses, they will most likely just go blank and stare at you as if you have asked them for a holiday in Transylvania. You may get further if you model the clothes for them. On this subject I overheard one of the men say to his friend, “If I had a choice it would be garter belt, stockings and four-inch heels, but we would never get out of the house!” Men generally prefer Bunnings, electronics shops or camera stores. Tears: When a woman is upset tears are a natural reaction for her. When her man doesn't comfort her, she may think he doesn't care. But that is not necessarily true - tears do make men feel sad, it's just that they are usually not experienced at talking about it, at showing or expressing their feelings. When women cry men mostly feel helpless and don't know how to comfort a woman unless she tells him how.Oversharing: Quite a few women discuss their personal life with others – mostly their friends. For centuries they’ve done it. Men dislike this trait because they feel it invades their privacy. They expect that if they tell you a secret, they expect you to keep it, and not make it into a public discussion amongst your friends. If you can’t help yourself and need to divest yourself of the burden of the secret, you may not receive any more secrets…Being disturbed whilst relaxing: Men hate being disturbed when they are watching football or cricket matches on TV. But most women get irritated when they see their men spending hours in front of the TV while they slog with the household work and then disturb them anyway.“Being confronted with conversation the minute we walk in the door or the minute we wake up” seems to be another common area of angst! Note that there is a distinction between ‘conversation’ and informing the man of something he has to do! That’s venturing into nagging territory. Worse still if the ‘conversation’ contains criticism. Sadly, I heard the man tell his friend, “Before entering my house, I often sit in my car for a few minutes to decompress. Although I love my family's excitement to talk to me, I need this quiet time to transition from work to engaging in conversation. Without it, I might come off as annoyed, which isn't how I feel; I just need a moment to adjust."This notion may well translate to the workplace, so don’t accost your boss the moment he walks through the office door and bombard him with questions or general verbosity! So ladies, try giving your man a few minutes to decompress when he comes home before starting a conversation. You might see a positive change in his mood and ability to engage. Also, avoid greeting him with tasks or criticism - nobody appreciates that.Clinginess: Men are often turned off by overly needy or clingy behaviour, as it can feel suffocating and shows your insecurity. Putting someone on a pedestal makes you seem less attractive. Instead show your confidence, avoid seeking constant validation, and don't compete with other women. Know your worth and remember that if your man loses interest, it's not a reflection of your value. Focus on your own happiness and peace of mind, not on seeking their approval. Controlling behaviour: Men generally dislike being controlled or bossed around by their partner, especially in public, as it can feel emasculating. This kind of behaviour can damage the relationship, as it undermines mutual respect and trust. While it might feel empowering in the moment, this approach often leads to resentment and can eventually cause the relationship to end. Don't dwell on his exes or constantly talk about your own. Focus on the present and what you share now. Bringing up past relationships can make him feel guilty or uncomfortable, as if he's being compared. Seeking validation by comparing yourself to his exes comes across as needy and insecure. Similarly, frequently mentioning your exes can either make him jealous and doubt your feelings or, if he sees through it, turn him off due to the perceived immaturity and attempt to boost your ego. Remember, exes are in the past for a reason - leave them there.Chasing: Even if you're confident (or impatient), men generally prefer to do the pursuing - it’s often seen as a natural instinct. You can subtly encourage them and flirt a little but let them feel like they're taking the lead. This maintains the excitement and prevents them from unconsciously perceiving themselves as more valuable. If you're only interested in a casual encounter, this may not matter as much, but for a deeper relationship, it's important to let them take the initiative.Confidence vs conceit: Men are generally put off by women who are immature, entitled, and conceited. While confidence is an attractive trait, it becomes even more appealing when paired with humility and emotional maturity. It's important to handle your own emotions responsibly and not to treat your partner like a servant who has to earn basic respect and courtesy. Men appreciate a partner who is down-to-earth, respectful, and considerate. Ultimately, just being a decent person makes a significant difference in building a healthy and balanced relationship.Remember that men are often visually oriented and have a strong libido, making physical attraction an important part of a relationship. While you don't need to aim for perfection all the time, putting in some effort to maintain your appearance can have a positive impact. Paying attention to your health and making improvements if needed not only enhances physical attraction but also boosts your self-confidence. Taking care of yourself benefits both you and the relationship.Remember, many of these concerns apply to both genders. The key is to empathise with your partner's perspective and approach them with consideration and respect. Fostering a respectful and understanding relationship will lead to a stronger, more fulfilling connection.

A narcissist is someone with an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. They crave attention constantly and will do whatever it takes to get it, including provoking arguments. Here’s how you can effectively shut down a narcissist during an argument.Identifying narcissistic behaviour: Narcissists thrive on attention, whether positive or negative. They often make up absurd statements, talk rapidly, change subjects quickly to throw you off-balance, and exhibit dramatic emotions.When dealing with a narcissist, it's essential to respond calmly and assertively. Here are some strategies to shut down a narcissist:Slow Them Down: Here’s how to take the wind out of their sails:"You are not making sense.""Prove what you are saying.""You keep changing the subject; which one would you like to discuss first?""I’m not engaging with this.""Let’s sort out one thing at a time."Deflect blame: Narcissists never take responsibility and often blame others. Here’s how to handle their blame game:"That’s not how I remember the situation.""I’ll wait until you’ve calmed down, then we can talk about this.""I’m not responsible for how you live your life.""I’m sorry you feel like that, perhaps we need some time apart?""I’m not going to argue with you anymore."Respond to criticism: Narcissists use criticism to hurt you so don’t give them the emotional reaction they want. Keep your responses unemotional and factual:"I won’t allow you to speak to me like that.""Unless you treat me with respect, I cannot continue this conversation.""If I’m so bad, it’s better if I leave.""I can’t control your opinion of me.""Can we please be respectful of each other?"Confront lies: Narcissists lie to confuse and control. Pay attention to their exact words and call them out:"That is physically impossible.""I know that I/you did not say/do that.""Prove it.""What you are saying doesn’t make sense.""I have no reason to do the things you are accusing me of."Dealing with narcissistic rage: Narcissists may resort to the silent treatment or the narcissistic stare to intimidate you. If an argument is escalating, sometimes agreeing with them can defuse the situation:"I understand your point of view.""I completely agree with you.""That’s an interesting perspective; let me think about it.""I hadn’t thought of it that way before.""Thank you for bringing that to my attention."While the best solution is often to remove a narcissist from your life, this isn't always feasible. By preparing a few key phrases, you can effectively de-escalate arguments and regain control in challenging interactions.

Confidence! The one thing so many of us want, and yet it can elude us. But does it really? Are there ways we can grow in confidence and feel more satisfied across our lives?Feeling confident is having the belief or trust that a person or thing is reliable. Having self-confidence means you trust in yourself to achieve the things you want to, now and in the future. Self-confidence is not the same as self-esteem, which is an evaluation of one's worth.We are not born confident. Nobody is. We develop confidence as we move through life and find ourselves successfully handling new situations and environments. Confidence is an outcome - a willingness to try.What the statistics say about the differences in confidence between genders at work:New research suggests that men are far more comfortable with self-promotion than women are. According to Christine L. Exley, of Harvard Business School, “the gender gap in self-promotion is not driven by a gender gap in confidence.”The research found that women consistently rated their performance lower than men — even though men and women had the same average score on the test. In a nutshell, at work men tend to show more confidence than women do. Which has additional negative impacts on women reaching executive leadership roles in the workplace and growing to their full career potential.Confidence Myths: According to Forbes magazine, there are three major misconceptions about confidence.Misconception 1: Either you are confident, or you aren’t.Confidence, like many things, comes and goes, rises and falls. Which means it’s not something steady. In short, it is a habit and skill we can cultivate if we try. Even those people who we believe ooze confidence experience fears and self-doubt, just like we all do. But they don’t dwell on these negative thoughts. They acknowledge them and move on, never giving them additional airtime.  Misconception 2: Confidence only happens when you are successful. Confidence does not result in our success – it’s the outcome of taking action in the first place to achieve what we want - that’s success. The more we do it, the more confident we become over time. Failing can lead to improved confidence if you see it as a learning process. In other words, you learn from your failures and don’t repeat them.Misconception 3: Only experience gives you confidence.Doing something repeatedly can help our confidence grow, but in today’s fast-moving world, we don’t always get that opportunity. Look at your strengths and what you do well. Even if you fail at times, like we all do, you can learn from these situations and put them into your toolbox of learning. Integrate all these new experiences into your life and build on them. You may not get them right each time, but at least doing something to try to succeed is better than doing nothing.  Do we get more confident as we age? Research shows that the older we get, the more self-assured and content we become. In fact, those in their sixties are more likely to be happier and more self-confident overall than most of those in their younger years.Researchers Zenger and Folkman collected valuable data from more than 4,000 women and 3,000 men since 2016 and found that only 30 percent of women 25 years or younger felt confident. About 50 percent of men said the same.By age 40, women and men rate themselves equally as confident. By age 60, women surpass men in confidence on average.Ways to grow your confidenceConfidence is a skill that you can develop over time. It’s not part of your personality.Watch out for social comparison because it’s a definite way to erode your confidence. The more you stare and compare, the lower your confidence falls.Focus on your strengths. Yes, we all have them - in bucket loads. Although people with low confidence may not agree or see theirs.  Take the strengths you possess with you when you face new challenges (or old ones). In truth, we all have solved many problems in our lives, and mostly successfully, so why don’t you believe you can now?Get a life coach to help you grow in areas you feel you need to.Give life a go. You may be surprised at how successful you are.Think more about your confidence and ways to improve it.

We’ve all encountered that tricky situation when a friend or family member asks our opinion about something, like “Does this look good on me? or What do you think of my new dress/jacket/shoes/hairstyle….?” Sometimes it places us in a dilemma - should we give honest feedback here or simply smile and give a thumbs up? In my family, growing up with four siblings (mostly girls) we told the bare truth - often! After I moved out of home and into shared accommodation, I noticed that other people were quite different. They were a lot more polite with each other and didn’t always reveal what they really thought.All habits die hard, and I recall many years ago expressing an opinion to an ex - that he had ‘pedestrian’ fashion sense. It wasn't an attempt to be cruel; it was simply the truth, and someone had to break it to him. I found his blind faith in labels and his obliviousness to style to be frustrating. He had no apparent pride in his wardrobe, only wore four colours, no stripes or patterns and had zero flair. His reaction? Let's just say it was less than enthusiastic. I will admit though, that from my perspective it was actually highly amusing. His response - at the time, and whenever I think back on it - causes me to choke back laughter. He kept repeating “pedestrian?” … “pedestrian!”  The word seemed to baffle him, as though I'd conjured up a term from a foreign language.  Was that honesty or insensitivity on my part? I feel no guilt, but the jury is still out.Consider: Would I have done him a favour by keeping forever quiet about his lack of style? I didn't think so. You could argue that some useful feedback is worthwhile and gives one an opportunity to see the reality and make improvements! My intention was pure; I aimed for neutral delivery but must have missed the mark.Does it matter? In the grand scheme of things, this might be the better question. I now wonder, “How honest and frank should we be with people - our family, our friends? When they try a new hairstyle that doesn't suit them, do we smile and say, “Lovely,” or do we tell them the truth?”Don't we have a responsibility to give our honest opinion to those we care about? If delivered kindly, I believe we do.Would I want the same honesty coming back at me? Well, that depends on the subject and who's giving the feedback! If I valued the person's knowledge and expertise and felt they were qualified to comment, then yes, I'd want to know what they think, hoping they’d be kind in their delivery. If they are merely opinionated and not qualified to give me some (re)direction, then they should probably keep their thoughts to themselves. So let’s just say that it is ‘situational specific’, and the safest approach, unless someone directly asks for your opinion, is to keep it to yourself - unless you’re very close, and even then, it’s tricky.So, should you be honest? Sure, but with a pinch of tact and a dash of empathy. After all, there’s a fine line between being truthful and being insensitive.I am betting that many of you will now go to evaluate your wardrobe to see if it could be described as pedestrian!

Dating is hard enough without navigating the online version of meeting a man - or woman, as the case may be. Since I'm female, I can speak from personal experience and observation, as well as insights from friends. I've also listened to comments from my male friends to provide a balanced view on how to approach this medium.I've been single since late 2017, tried most of the dating apps, gone on countless dates, and taken numerous breaks. So far the field has been left wanting. After a while, I try again. Why? Because finding a suitable partner is remarkably difficult, at any age. Despite attending a variety of social gatherings, concerts, comedies, etc. and talking to all sorts of people, having great friends, I still have not yet met anyone that I'd like to bring closer.Frankly, the whole idea of dating apps feels like being in a catalogue. But it's a case of "damned if you do, damned if you don't."A few months ago, a friend in the Illawarra encouraged me to try again, having met her match years ago on eHarmony. Another friend in Sydney met her man on Bumble. Both are exemplary couples!So, once again, I ventured out of my hiatus. Given my job, it's not difficult to imagine that I value words and images to convey a message. I furnished my profile with sufficient information to convey truth and attract interest. I populated it with a range of photos, including close-ups, action shots, and a full-length photo, aiming for transparency: "what you see is what you get."Recently, I met a man on a dating app - let's call him Dave - who showed interest. His banter was interesting and fun. However, he hadn’t put up a photo, which is usually a deal-breaker for me. Are these men clueless? The jury is still out, but I suspect so. Studies have shown that men are very visual, yet despite making minimal effort on their own appearance, they still seem to expect to find someone highly attractive to become their partner. Back to Dave - he claimed he didn't have any photos of himself. After some prompting, he finally sent me a low-res mugshot on his gym membership card. The honest truth: there was nothing whatsoever to recommend him - it was a blurry thumbnail shot. I felt little motivation to get to know him better. Is that harsh? Let’s be honest. Usually, these things start with some physical attraction. I suspect that many men click on multiple profiles just to see what comes back. Women generally do not operate in this way. However, it may account for the volume of ‘likes’ on my profile, but motivation to respond to the majority received is missing. Most women I have discussed this with, feel the same way. We are looking for quality and for someone to make an effort.To be successful on dating apps, effort is required in presenting yourself. Here’s my advice: regardless of your age, your profile images are critical. They are your 'marketing' photos and need to be accompanied by a great description to attract interest from your target audience.How do so many men miss this truism? The extraordinarily funny thing is the abundance of photos of men holding up fish! It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic. So, note well: "No fish photos." Afterall how many women do you know who truly like fishing?Here are more worthwhile tips:Don’t have your children in the photos. Don’t imitate Putin with a bare chest unless you look like Chris Hemsworth, and even then, it looks like you're trying too hard.No profile shot in the bathroom mirror. (you wouldn’t believe how many men do this).The same advice applies to women: no bikini shots unless you’re a swimsuit model, no obvious cleavage shots unless that’s the type of man you want to attract, and no heavy makeup - natural is key.Avoid the three-day growth unless it’s well-groomed like Hemsworth. Sorry - my obsession is showing! But honestly, George Clooney or Brad Pitt are more in my age-range, but I’m not expecting either to pop up soon. [I’m simply aiming for a well-groomed man who is fit and has something to say – that seems fair!]So to get the best photos my advice is to ask a talented friend (or a professional photographer) to take relaxed, smiling photos in various settings - close, far, action shots, with animals, in nature - but be honest. Don’t sit on a motorbike just to look cool. Now for the words: before filling in the boxes online, think hard about what you want to say about yourself and what you want. Capture the essence of what’s important to you, especially in a partner. Write a draft, remove any negativity - some people actually complain about past relationships in their profiles! That’s a huge 'no no.' Be positive about life and give insight into how you live it. Honesty is crucial. Wait a day, review again, show a friend, discuss, make edits, leave it another day, and review again.I'm sure it’s the same for men looking at women's profiles. People prefer honesty and authenticity. It’s unattractive to be negative, angry, rude, or unkind. I have read profiles that tick all four. If dating apps are how you’re meeting people, I wish you well and hope that these insights help.If there is a male out there that would like to share their online experience, please reach out!

The short answer to this question is that ‘emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your emotions well, so they help you, not hinder you, in your relationships.’ And it matters big time! Described by psychologist, author, and researcher Daniel Goleman as:‘The ability to understand and manage our emotions well, so they work for us and not against us so we can have strong relationships around us across our lives.  Picture these scenariosYou fight with your spouse, again, and you start despairing about whether the cause of the fight (whatever it may be) will be resolved.  You realise that you both tend to argue in the same way.  It starts calmly, and then tends to get more out of hand as you both try to solve the problem. Or you ignore your partner after the argument for a while.  Sarcastic remarks may be made.  Nothing changes. When we don’t resolve our differences well (and it’s ok to disagree) the wedge between us may grow bigger.  If we keep attempting to resolve the issue but don’t, one party may feel there is no point and seek options elsewhere.Team relationships at work operate on the same principle. If conflict surfaces and is allowed to thrive and grow, the workplace culture begins to go downhill and can become awkward, uncomfortable, and ‘not an enjoyable place to be.’ Often, we lose good human capital because of the bad vibes at work and as they leave, we scramble to replace them.The role emotions play in our livesSeldom do people stop and think about the importance of our emotions in our everyday lives and yet, emotions are equal determinants of human behaviours as cognitions (our ability to think) are. Emotions enable us to experience life, warts, and all.   They allow us to laugh and experience joy and feel happiness, set and achieve goals, and feel that we are doing well.  On the other side of the coin, we can also experience a sense of loss or mourning when somebody leaves or passes, and we miss them.  Emotions enable us to ‘feel’ life.Benefits of Emotional Intelligence at home and at workEmotional intelligence is not about being touchy-feeling or ignoring a problem when it arises, or minimising issues when they arise.It’s about using our head (think calmly) when conflict arises so that we can work out a way forward. In doing so, we continue having good relationships around us.Other benefits include greater decision-making clarity, better health, improved relationships across our lives, less anxiety and stress and more effective teamwork at home and at work.Families and teams that follow rules about how they resolve issues together in collaborative ways will always be more productive than those that don’t.Researcher Goleman explains that:‘Often it is intellectual intelligence that gets you the job.But it is emotional intelligence that helps you climb up the ladder and furthers your career.’When Organisations understand the many benefits that emotional intelligence (EI) brings to their teams and how it enhances working relationships, they see the bottom-line soar, and everybody enjoys greater harmony across the Company.For individuals, understanding how we ‘tick’ and getting to understand our triggers and drivers are an important part of our growth.Emotional Sabotage – when our emotions get the better of usEmotional sabotage occurs when we are unable to manage our emotions well in a situation (in other words, our head does not rule our heart) and we act rashly and say things in the heat of the moment that are unnecessary, hurtful and can be meant to hurt. Often this emotional outburst is way worse than the original crime the other person committed, but still the angry individual shows displeasure by using child-like behaviours that have no space in adult relationships.Less than 15% of us are self-awareIn his ground-breaking research, Goleman explains that his studies indicate that only 15% of us are self-aware at any one time, leaving 85% of us not using our emotions well and unclear about how to manage them (and our relationships) well.Initially I was perplexed by this research outcome and then I considered the state of the world today – countries invading others and killing men, women and children in their wake, the middle east continues to erupt, and tension exists between major world super-powers.  Fifteen percent seems high when you look at these world issues.The 5 competencies of Emotional IntelligenceMaking it easier for Organisations and individuals to work towards becoming more emotionally intelligent, Goleman and his researchers identified 5 competencies that comprise emotional intelligence.5) Effective relationshipsHow good am I at getting along well with others and how good are my relationships?4) EmpathyHow do I show compassion for others around me? Do I always want to understand what is going on for the other person?3) Self-MotivationLearn to have a can-do positive approach to achieve goals and good relationships in life2) Self-RegulationDo we manage our emotions well, so we control them well when angry? 1)Self AwarenessWho am I?  What do I like and where are my strengths and areas for improvements?Each competence builds on the one before it, so you cannot have effective relationships if you have not mastered self-awareness, self-regulation, self-motivation and empathy.  Where to next?Start understanding EI by reading up about it on the internet.  Daniel Goleman has a very easy to follow resource called ‘Emotional Intelligence’ and is worth reading. Get a life coach who can help you grow in EI if you would like toLearn about how others see you in their relationship with you.  You are not perfect so take feedback in the positive spirit in which it is meant – positively!Emotional Intelligence is key to having great relationships around you.  It’s a journey of ongoing improvement and it takes self-awareness, self-determination and courage to admit you can be better in your relationships because who else is in charge of your life and relationships, if we are not?Perhaps it’s time for us to get into the driver’s seat of our relationships?Reference:  Goleman, D, 1995; Working with Emotional Intelligence, Booktopia

My Relationships – How good am I in them really?So much of our waking life centres around relationships – with ourselves and others in individual or group settings. At work, in the community, in sporting or hobby groups and at home.  Life is all about relationships - and yet, how often do we think about how well we do them?Many of us struggle in our relationships, often blaming the other person or seeing fault in their behaviour, and yet don’t look at our own.  If we’re not part of the solution, then are we part of the problem?It’s hard to acknowledge that sometimes what we do in our relationships does not help the outcome. So many of us are stuck in our ways and because admitting we are part of the problem is difficult, so we don’t.If we talk about the issues and difficulties we have with each other, then we can grow to a new level which is a happy space to be. Conflict? Yes. It’s part of human endeavour, but it is not all bad. We can learn so much from our differences, remembering that we don’t always have to be right.To win is often to lose.  If we must win all the time, and not listen to the opinions of others who may have good points to make, then people don’t want to be in a relationship with us. They avoid us over time, or the relationship falls apart – and then who wins, and who loses?What are the types of relationships we have and how can we be better in them?Family relationships: Those into which we are born or have some kind of kinship, whether be through blood, marriage, a de facto situation or fostering/adoption. This is ‘our clan’ - the people or group on whom we rely most and who teach us all about our culture, religion, beliefs and values.It is through our clan that we move forward into the big wide world, and hopefully have productive and happy relationships, families and lives.Families today come in many different forms - single-parent families, stepfamilies, homes with same gender parents and children raised by grand-parents, as examples. Friends: People not born into the same family but on whom you place great value and respect.  They are people we ‘do life with’ - we go to school or college with them or work with or connect with later in life. We build solid bonds with friends to have fun, explore the world and enjoy experiences together.  Mostly, friends are those with whom we feel most connected, and they grow over time so they remain stable parts of our lives moving forward.  They stay with us for the good and bad times. Many of us cannot imagine our lives without friends, as they are important bonds through which we travel across our lives, and with whom we celebrate special occasions such as weddings and birthdays. Some people are closer to their friends than families, but if you have the gift of good connections with both, your world expands richly over time.Acquaintances: These are people we know and who come into our lives but are not as close or as deep as the others. These can be relationships at work with colleagues or in sporting groups with whom we are connected for a reason, such as sport or a hobby. We still need to connect well with these people, particularly if we work with them everyday as we spend most of our waking moments with them – and to have good acquaintances is so important for your overall health and that of the team and the organisation. Romantic relationships: These relationships are with people with whom we share love, trust and often, children. There are various aspects of closeness in these relationships, including emotional and sexual intimacy. Often opposites attract and, in the beginning, these are often easy relationships but if differences are not discussed and resolved, over time this ‘love’ can struggle and not make it for the long haul. Good and regular communication is critical.How well do you go?Think about the different types of relationships you have in your life and how well you go (or not) in them.Are you a good communicator and do you talk about issues when necessary to ‘clear the air’ and address the issue or do you tend to ignore issues when they arise and hope they will go away over time? This seldom happens and things often get worse.Think about one skill you can improve in your relationships – such as active listening, showing empathy or asking more questions to understand the world of the other person more.Relationships are key to human happiness and take work and if you get good at them, your whole experience of our world is richer and happier.

Mother’s Day is a time for celebrating a person in our lives whom most of us adore – our mum. Like other meaningful holidays in the year, Mother’s Day is one where families get together and spend valuable time catching up with loved ones - with a special focus on our mothers: It’s a day of appreciation for the many things that our mothers do for us, and the support and love that they have given us over the years.It’s about honouring the mother of the family, and the influence she has in her family, on the community and society overall. And whilst time comes and goes, the celebration of our mothers continues to be at the cornerstone of what is now called “Mother’s Day.”  My mum is almost 90 and I dread the day when she goes, because she has been an amazingly supportive and caring mother. My rock. No matter what was going on in my life, she was one I could always count on. And still do. Many of my friends that I grew up with did not have the same gift of a supportive mother, and I am sure some of the readers of this article may have a similar experience. My best childhood friend had a combative relationship with her mother, so my mum became hers.  And she still is. Should we celebrate all mothers on this day? I would like to say a single ‘yes’ to this question. But it’s not that easy. Many families go through trauma, with some members not talking to each other for long periods of time. What a waste this is. It would be comforting to think that when we argue with our mother, we do what we can to overcome it together. Alas, this is not always possible and with this situation present, the relationships between you and your mum sours – and often other family members get drawn into this drama – and the family disintegrates further.For Mother’s Day this year, if you do celebrate your mum and cannot be with her, Facebook or WhatsApp her. Pick up the phone. Spend precious time catching up on the latest news and celebrating achievements. Remember that the quality of spending time together with our mum is what counts, not the gifts that we each may bring to the celebration. If possible, value your mum for: Her guidance and wisdomHer care and love for you all the timeThe wonderful gifts and love she brings to the familyProviding for us, no matter what age we areAlways being there for you and your childrenThe unique and special person that she is. Don’t just celebrate Mother’s Day on this one day. Work on your relationship with your mum (if you can) by being there for her in her later years, valuing your relationship and the things you do together, the laughter you enjoy and how you spend your time with each other. Nothing In this life is predictable and we all know it. Spend each moment you can honouring your mum. And valuing you as a mother, too. Happy Mother’s Day!

Also called Pascha (Aramaic, Greek, Latin) or Resurrection Sunday, Easter refers to a Christian festival and cultural holiday commemorating the resurrection of Jesus from the dead, described in the New Testament as having occurred on the third day of his burial following his crucifixion by the Romans at Calvary c. 30 AD. It is the culmination of the Passion of Jesus Christ, preceded by Lent which is a 40-day period of fasting, prayer, and penance. Thus to Christians Easter is a holy time of the year which gives them the opportunity to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and more. Reflection – how is my life going? As Easter and Lent occur over a 40-day period, it also gives us the chance to look at how we are living and what we can do to further improve what we are doing– and to think about what works well in our life and what doesn’t.  A bit of reflective practice goes a long way. Easter also marks the coming together of families to spend time with each other and engage in activities that make wonderful memories– a rare commodity in our modern fast paced lives. Yet coming together as families does not necessarily mean that the time will be peaceful as some families don’t collaborate well with each other – some are at war with each other, whilst others engage with some family members and ignore others. I like to see this time of year as precious to those who believe in the reason behind the celebration, regardless of colour, race and creed. Let’s practice kindness with  each other.  Show respect to others, regardless of our differences.  The world needs peace.  Let’s start here.  In our own lives and our own attitudes.  Change must come from within and slowly moves across our lives if done well.

Australian startup Spoony has announced its founding team and set a launch date for the rollout of its new online dating app. The app will be available from a date set in Q4 of 2024. Spoony aims to revolutionise the dating landscape for neurodivergent, chronically ill and disabled individuals. Founders Kenneth Liang, Blake Crichton, and Nicholas Carlton built Spoony in response to Nicholas’s experiences as a chronically ill person. Today’s dating apps are a frustrating experience for most people but for those that face existing challenges from their chronic illness, disability or neurodivergence the frustration can feel more intense and distressing and many of these users are already socially isolated. The founders have ambitious plans to become the leading dating and friendship app for the billions of people globally who are neurodivergent, living with a chronic illness and/or a disability. The app is designed to fix the problems of mainstream online dating services. Spoony has a strong focus on inclusion, safety and understanding where individuality is celebrated and connections are deeply valued. With plans to launch in Melbourne first, it’s only a matter of time Spoony reaches wider populations. Spoony is poised to make a meaningful impact on the lives of millions worldwide, soon to reach the rest of Australia. 

Valentine's Day can bring feelings of love and celebration for some, but for others, the love in the air serves as a reminder of their loneliness. Recent research from Relationships Australia NSW (RANSW) has highlighted the need for increased support, especially as loneliness continues to escalate among younger individuals, coupled with a growing trend of Australians saying ‘I don't’ to traditional marriage.Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of RANSW, emphasises that the Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) survey signals a rapid evolution in Australia's relationship landscape, warranting government funding for support services. Ms. Shaw acknowledges the survey as a crucial step in understanding the daily struggles faced by a growing number of Australians. She notes “This survey is a welcome step in shining a spotlight on the issues a growing number of Australians are dealing with daily, but sadly it comes as no surprise.”The shifting dynamics of relationships, particularly evident in the dating scene where 'situationships' often eclipse the focus on building lasting connections, contribute to a decline in commitment and monogamy among the younger generation. The survey reveals a decreasing preference for marriage, and statistics show that those in de facto relationships have a higher likelihood of separation. However, Ms. Shaw expresses “couples with children under 5 years of age and single parents are all more likely to experience stress and loneliness, so there needs to be a greater focus on support for families on both parenting and relationships.”RANSW's latest Social Impact report underscores the impact of seeking assistance in navigating relationship challenges, leading to significant improvements in satisfaction and well-being.Ms. Shaw urges the Australian government to respond to this pressing need by increasing funding and support for core relationship services, particularly counselling, which has proven to be essential in making a substantial difference for those seeking help. As the challenges of loneliness and shifting relationship dynamics persist, the call to enhance support becomes more urgent than ever, fostering strong and resilient connections among individuals and families.

It’s Valentine’s Day again – that special time of year when we show our partners and people whom we love how much we value and appreciate them.Many businesses make their biggest profit at this time of year – roses, restaurants, overnight stays, diamonds, drinks – the works. More cynical members of society believe Valentines Day is merely a money-making racket that opportunists use to feather their own nest, as they say.Personally, I love Valentines Day because it reminds me of where our true efforts in relating well lie and reminds us to reflect upon areas where we can improve.However, the question that is always top of mind is this: How can I create a magical Valentine’s Day everyday with my special person? How can I show them love, appreciation and understanding in the most supportive and caring way?Modern day life is extremely fast paced and stressful, with little time left in the day to focus on what really matters.People are running around trying to get things done and in the process, don’t give time and thought to precious things that really count.What are the key things happy couples do each day to keep their love alive?Be nice to each other – speak to each other with respect, saying thank you and please if your partner does something for you or are asking a favour.Appreciate them – let them know how grateful you are for their cooking, looking after the children, making money for the family or organising a family holiday, it’s so easy to tell them how talented they are and how much you appreciate them as a person.Be supportive – stand next to your partner as their greatest ally, no matter what. Become and remain their ‘safe haven’ where they know that no matter what, you will always be there.Resolve conflict calmly – talk issues through one at a time. If emotions are heightened or things feel as if they are out of control, introduce a ‘circuit breaker’ – that is time out to go away and cool down so that you come back within 24 hours to try and resolve the situation calmly and peacefully.You are committed to this relationship so stay committed – realise that there is no ‘exit plan’ and that no matter what, we both need to work out a way to love and love together.Make special times for your relationship - nights away with each other, walks on the beach without the children, weekends away and so forth. Remember the fun times you had together before the children arrived? Recreate these as a regular way of putting good times back into your relationship.Learn to communicate well – many of us think we connect with each other well and talk issues through, but the reality is not the case. Most couples who come to see me all struggle with communication and connection, with the biggest skill missing being active listening. Where you take all other thoughts out of your mind and focus on what you partner is trying to tell you. Do you listen to understand or respond?Laugh and have fun – don’t forget the magic you created when you first met. Recreate it in your daily lives.Happy marriages take time, effort and dedication and don’t come easily. In this relationship we are two different people, with our background, religion, life experiences and attitudes that come together in a partnership (for life) - and yet have little idea how to do relationships properly.Start with the tips above.If you continue to struggle, find a relationship coach to help you both learn how to communicate well and have a rewarding and enjoyable relationship.As famous Prophet Kahlil Gibran said:Let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love. Let it be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.Further information or if you want a discussion> Email Caryn on [email protected]

With Valentine’s Day here, it’s time to take stock of our romantic inclinations, and according to eharmony’s latest data, Aussies are rewriting the script when it comes to celebrating love.Contrary to our international counterparts, it seems we Aussies aren’t entirely swept up in the Valentine’s frenzy. The numbers speak for themselves: only a mere 19% of Aussie singles are planning to mark the occasion, a far cry from the 29% of singles in the US who are gearing up for a love-filled day.But hold your heart-shaped balloons, because it’s not just singles who are feeling lukewarm about February 14th. Even amongst loved-up Aussie couples, the enthusiasm seems to wane. While 42% of Australian couples are making plans, the US takes the cake with a whopping 72% eagerly awaiting their romantic rendezvous.So why the lack of fervor? Well, it seems our wallets might be breathing a sigh of relief. A staggering 55% of surveyed individuals aren’t planning to spend a single cent this Valentine’s Day, a figure that rises to 67% among Aussie singles. Could it be a case of learning from past mistakes? After all, nearly a third of people in relationships have splurged more on Valentine’s Day than on a typical date, with the US leading the charge.But fear not, budget-conscious lovers! You don’t need to empty your pockets to show you care. According to our survey respondents, the top Valentine’s Day gift is simply sharing a meal at a restaurant. It’s a win-win for both parties, and considering that 40% of single men have never received a Valentine’s Day gift, it’s high time to spread the love.Yet, amidst the debate on Valentine’s Day’s relevance in the digital age, one question lingers: is Cupid still firing arrows in 2024?Generation Z seems to think so, with a resounding 67% of those in relationships keen on celebrating the day. Millennials, on the other hand, are a bit more skeptical, with 32% of singles opting out and a quarter citing it as exclusive to couples. For 62% of Millennial couples, every day is Valentine’s Day, making February 14th just another date on the calendar.So, whether you’re planning a grand gesture or embracing the anti-Valentine’s sentiment, one thing’s for sure: love in the land down under is anything but predictable this February 14th.